Kim Anami wants you to have mind-blowing sex. The self-described holistic sex and relationship coach creates podcasts devoted to orgasmic enlightenment, leads small groups of students in focusing on the finer points of g spots and mutual orgasms and practices something called vaginal kung fu. So when the sexpert told us that a handful of easy-to-practice habits could change our sex life for the way better, we were all ears (and, apparently, under-exercised labia). If you want to really get into it, Amani has a host of "sex savant salons" i.e. online classes, coming up, but here's some right-here, right-now upgrades to your erotic experience you can implement, pronto.
1. Practice breathing the right way
"Sexual energy is life force energy," Anami says. But during arousal, most people's breath gets shallow and they tense their bodies rather than letting revitalizing oxygen circulate throughout their lungs and bloodstream. "When we are breathing deeply, we rejuvenate and build stamina, so we feel more energized after sex rather than the cliché of having sex then needing a nap." Anami says it's important to retrain yourself in the entire pacing of sex, to do a four count of breaths in and four counts of breaths out during lovemaking to delay orgasm. Rather than "the normal race to finish sex, we prioritize breathing deep into the belly and the genitals." She calls this "harvesting sexual energy" and says that with disciplined practice, it will improve your sex life 100 percent.
2. Try some radical honesty
Communication is super important. Anami says "it's the sex before the sex." In the name of better sex, the counselor suggests a "clean-as-you-go" policy of having a clear, open dialogue at all times so that the sexual energy can flow more readily between you. "Often people strangely don’t make an association between the barometer of their connection with each other." For example, Anami elaborates, say there's had an argument at breakfast. When it comes time for sex at bedtime and nobody's really in the mood, maybe the unresolved conflict earlier in the day affected the overall vibe. When couples are feeling the weight of past unspoken truths, Anami suggests having a heart-to-heart, because "a feng shui of their relationship means they have cleared that space, and their hearts and genitals are open."
3. Keep "the simmer" going
“Sex doesn’t have to be limited to time in the bed; it should be present all the time and ‘simmer,’” Anami suggests. Think of your erotic life in terms of temperature: Frozen water is disconnected, while boiling water represents orgasm. Staying at a simmering temperature at all times means it's that much easier to get to the boiling point, since you don't have to go through all the stages starting with melting ice. "A lot of people compartmentalize sex, like it just happens at night. They may fall together and have a few pumps and that’s their whole sex life," she says. Anami says that a loving or sexy text during the day, with a racy recollection like, "You were so gorgeous; I love you in that position" or "I can't wait to do this to you tonight" goes a long way to keeping the attention and energy humming between you.
4. Power up your genitals
We interrupt this sexy talk for a quick biology lesson. All genders have PC muscles (that's pubococcygeus muscle), which is a hammock-like muscle that stretches from the pubic bone to the tail bone. It's nicknamed "the pelvic floor" and is the muscle you use when you stop your flow of urine mid-pee. This muscle supports all your pelvic organs (obvi) and also, when strong, it reverses urinary incontinence and increases lubrication in people with female genitals. For people with male genitals, it enables more erectile control and power over their erections (less obvi). How to build muscle down there? Anami recommends her yoni egg kit, which she boasts has strengthened vaginas for same-day better sex. It's recommended for use in 5-to-10 minute workouts, three or four times a week. Extra credit: For the CrossFit of vaginas, check out Anami's online Vaginal Kung Fu classes.
5. Don't overeat or drink pre-sex
"Pre-sex food should be light but healthy, high in proteins and whole foods. You don't want to be in a food coma or weighed down," Anami says. Besides the practical, your reasons for not overeating can include a desire to feel light and playful, not logy and sleepy. And while many people use alcohol to get in the mood, Anami says it's a barrier to feeling connected both physically and emotionally. But there is one intoxicating chemical she endorsed: dark organic chocolate. "It contains phenylalanine, which can be calming—I find dark organic chocolate most effective at over 85 percent, the point at which all the medicinal benefits kick in," Anami says. "Plus there's a nice energy boost."