Relationships are all about compromise. Like how you’re a vegetarian and your wife is a blood-thirsty carnivore, and yet you manage to eat dinner together every night. Or the fact that you hate scary movies and your boyfriend has seen The Shining 16 times, but you take turns deciding what to watch on movie night (and he lets you fast-forward the creepy parts). But few differences can seem as insurmountable as when you come from two different faiths. That’s why we tapped the “Relationship Rabbi” (aka Rabbi Judy Greenfeld) for her expert tips about how to successfully create an interfaith family.
6 Tips for an Interfaith Household, According to the ‘Relationship Rabbi’
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Published Sep 17, 2018
Twenty20
It Definitely, Absolutely Can Work
“I have married many interfaith couples (including members of my own family), and I am a leader of a congregation that’s filled with intermarriages that are very happy and successful,” Greenfeld tells us. It may feel daunting to break away from what your parents did, but know that it’s becoming increasingly common and can totally work, she assures us. Because here’s the thing—even if you’re of the same faith, you will still have different beliefs. Meaning that there’s always going to be a little bit of compromise, anyway. (You two just have a few more details to figure out.)
Be Curious
The most important thing to keep in mind? Be open to learning about the beauty of somebody else’s traditions. “It’s about sitting at a neutral table and listening to people’s narrative without judgment,” says Greenfeld. And this doesn’t just apply to your partner’s faith—this is also an opportunity for you to learn more about your own religion.
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Don’t Make One Better Than the Other
This one’s especially important when kids are involved. “Make it clear that they’re not picking between mom and dad—separate religion from allegiance,” Greenfeld advises. Instead, let kids know that here are two ways of connecting to spirituality.
But Do Have Some Guidelines
When it comes to the holidays, set some boundaries (you don’t want a situation where kids get 20 presents on Christmas Day and nothing on Hanukkah). And be open and clear about your holiday plans, so that when people (ahem, your in-laws) come over, they are able to respect and celebrate your traditions. (Just be prepared to do the same when you go to their house.) “The key is to have a solid understanding of ‘this is what we’re going to do’ and be able to explain your reasoning to the kids or grandparents. Don’t be wishy-washy,” says Greenfeld.
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Make Something New
Coming from two different religious backgrounds does present some new challenges, but think of it as an opportunity to revise and unite multiple, beautiful traditions. “I know one couple that hangs Christmas ornaments on the menorah,” says Greenfeld. Work together to create something new that works for your family.
Don’t Force It
Remember, you can’t force your partner or kids to believe what you believe (and vice-versa). “You will gravitate towards what resonates with you. You’ll feel it. You’ll know inside that there are certain ideologies that feel comfortable to you.” And the same rules apply with kids—present them with both faiths and let them figure out what works for them.
