What Type of Drunk You Are, Based on Your Zodiac Sign
We’re all a little altered after a few rounds of booze, but do we really ever know how altered? Below, we’ve held up a mirror to your drunk self, based on your zodiac sign. Hint: If you’re thinking, “No way, this isn’t me,” then you might want to consult your best Virgo friend for a second opinion. But only if you’re ready to hear the truth...
Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 19): Jock Drunk
"Let's just go to the gym right now!" is something the intoxicated ram might suddenly want to do—even if they are normally couch potatoes. When they get drunk, they love a good push-up contest or arm wrestle to flaunt their superior strength (again, even if they have none). Aries people live in their bodies, and when their bodies are basically numb to pain, it's like they've been given the superhero pass they always wanted to physicalize all their emotions. Unfortunately, those powers wear off with every digested alcohol molecule, leaving them vulnerable to headaches and sore muscles. With great power comes great recovery.
Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20): Stealth Drunk
It starts with one drink, then another, then you’ve ordered another round, then one more. Suddenly, you’re super drunk, but your Taurus friend over here is chilling. Taureans have a lot of dignity (that’s the Venusian influence at work), and it’s hard to make them look foolish, even when they are being absolute fools. After a long evening of measured indulgence (bon mots and bon bons, probably), the Taurus will rise and stumble, ever so gracefully, and you’ll realize, wow, they are way drunker than they seem. It’s just another thing they do better than most.
Gemini (May 21 - Jun 20): Spills Tea Drunk
Geminis are hardwired to spread information, not hide it. So, when alcohol lowers their naturally low inhibitions when it comes to gossip, tea will spill everywhere. Drinking is a social sport, and Geminis bond primarily through communication and shared perspectives. What could be a better opportunity to connect than to exchange fresh hot secrets—or even scandalous, controversial hot takes they know better than to release in the wild? Consequences be damned; they know they can talk their way out of it the next morning.
Cancer (Jun 21 - July 22): Crying Drunk
Underneath the crab's crabbiness is a soft, emotional core that only their inner circle gets to see. However, alcohol can temporarily de-shell your average Cancer long enough to open the floodgates of their feelings, which usually means tears. It doesn't matter what the emotion is, it will spill like seawater from their eyes. Even if they are happy or overly silly or even just plain overwhelmed, without their usual defenses, they are ready to cry it out. Just be prepared to pretend you never saw them lower their guard the next day.
Leo (Jul 23 - Aug 22): High Drama Drunk
Lights, camera, drunk! Leos can make a stage of a bathroom floor, and if that's where they're booked that night, they will work it like they’re at Carnegie Hall. Whether it's karaoke, drunken toasts, confronting people who have wronged them, it doesn't matter. The boozy Leo is ready to make it a moment worth Instagramming. You'll hear witty retorts, accents to varying degrees of accuracy and a soft launch of their new personal brand. All for the price of a few cocktails.
Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22): Bitchy Drunk
It's a good thing Virgos aren't evil, because they know everyone's weaknesses. The thing about a Virgo is that when they criticize you, they do it because they genuinely want to help. Deep down they know they were put on this planet to tidy things up according to their own sky-high standards. So, when they get a little tipsy, they get even more honest than they usually are. Whether it’s your résumé or your outfit that is found lacking, Virgos will let you know. And in the fire of their alcohol-fueled criticism, you will be purified. Amen.
Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 21): Lovey Dovey Drunk
"I love you!!!" is something the Libra drunk will say from the moment the first shot touches their lips. A Libra is all about love in all its forms, and even one glass of wine can elevate a new acquaintance to best friend status. Libras like to make everyone feel welcome, and they have a natural preference for equality (see: the scales). Expect to see them leading a circle of toasts, where everyone gets a turn at validation. The best part? Each speech ends with another drink.
Scorpio (Oct 22 - Nov 21): Seductive Drunk
And the award for most sexy-eye stares while sauced goes to...Scorpio. The scorpion reputation for being highly sexual is usually interpreted too literally (really, they are the sign of desire itself, writ large). But if a Scorpio is crushing on someone, their usually imperceptible flirts tend to become more obvious around sip two or three. Their guard is fairly secure when they are of sober mind, but when the walls come down, you can see how thirsty they really are for love and attention (which, for the record, is perfectly reasonable). You can find your local Scorpio low-key hanging off their crush in the corner, laughing at their every joke and doing that shoulder-touching move that always seems to work. Well, it works when they do it.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21): Dancing Drunk
Centaurs are already loud and jovial party people, so adding alcohol to the mix is only going to take things up from there. Sagittarius is a physical sign, so they are going to need you to report to the dance floor, where they will be tearing it up with some light choreo that they may or may not have practiced in their room. They are the class clowns of the zodiac, so they are not afraid to look goofy—which means their moves tend to be pretty good. When you’ve got the heart and soul of a pop star, you don’t need the polish.
Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19): Sober Drunk
Sure, Capricorns get plastered when they want to, but they are still so composed and professional because deep in their psyches they want to be prepared for the possibility that they might run into Michelle Obama (you never know). Capricorns dress for the jobs they want, and when they drink, they get business drunk. That means they could get through the introductory round of interviews at a white shoe firm. Are they even ever really drunk? Yes, if the question is whether or not they should drive home. But spiritually and astrologically? No. No, they are not.
Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18): Debater Drunk
The drunk Aquarius would like everyone to listen to them right now! After all, they are about to basically solve climate change/income inequality/culture itself, if they could just convince you that their incredibly prescient and insightful perspective was the correct one. See, Aquarians think they are right all the time anyway (side effect of being the geniuses of the zodiac), so when they’ve got a buzz on, they launch into full campaign mode, ready to meet any dissenters head on. How good a time you have may be in direct proportion to how much you agree with them.
Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20): High Drunk
The slippery fish of the zodiac will find the most remote little corner of any party and camp out there. They follow vibes the way flounder chase plankton, and they naturally gravitate to the most meaningful conversations, the tastiest snacks and the most fulfilling spiritual energy. Pisces is the sign of intoxication (interpret that broadly), and their baseline level of empathy and intuition is already a heightened state. Basically, when they are drunk, they’re kind of high, too. And they might change your life if you let them.