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My Boyfriend Just Told Me He’s Bisexual. How Do I Take This?

“My boyfriend just told me he’s bisexual...and I am not quite sure how to process it. Mostly I’m kinda stuck on this fear that maybe I’m not going to be able to satisfy him in some core ways? I thought he was straight for the past six months, and now he’s questioning his sexuality? How the hell do I handle this? For reference, before this info drop, we were committed to each other in a healthy relationship. Now I’m just...confused.”

To start, your boyfriend’s sexuality is important only in that he wants you to understand this part of him. It sounds less like he’s questioning his sexuality and more like he wants to share this intimate, vulnerable fact with you. When you think of it like that, it’s beautiful that he’s told you. That doesn’t change his commitment to you, attraction to you or anything else about your relationship. 

With that in mind, don’t assume his feelings for you are less significant because he’s bisexual. Know that if he’s told you he’s committed to you, his sexuality is not a factor in that commitment. If you want to understand your boyfriend more, here are some tips that might help you iron out your confusion. 

Share your insecurities. 

Ask your boyfriend questions. Have him share his story. When did he learn he was bisexual? How did he know? Was it always obvious? Has he had similar emotional connections with men? How did he know he wanted to be with you? (My guess is it has absolutely nothing to do with your sex; it was all you.) Start having really open, intimate discussions about sexuality with your boyfriend and you’ll grow closer. You’ll also feel much more comfortable with these open lines of communication, which is essentially what he did by telling you about his sexuality.

Talk to your queer friends.

Get third-party feedback if you are worried about being insensitive toward your partner or you simply need a pep talk from someone who gets it better than your straight friends (who might not have the best empathetic, totally-been-there advice). Most important, starting listening more. It could help you understand your boyfriend’s perspective a whole lot more. 

Remember, relationships are about commitment.

Let’s be honest: You could go on a date with another person with one little swipe. But a romantic relationship exists when the people involved decide to spend time together. A long-term relationship exists when two people make a commitment to stay together out of love, growth and the idea that they are better joining lives. 

If you and your boyfriend are meant to be, you’ll keep choosing each other. His sexuality won’t matter. His choice to be with you, and your choice to be with him is the only thing that will. Focus on that.

Jenna Birch is a journalist and the author of The Love Gap: A Radical Plan to Win in Life and Love, a relationship-building guide for modern women. To ask her a question, which she may answer in a forthcoming PureWow column, email her at jen.birch@sbcglobal.net.