An announcement to my wedding coordinator, 19 bridesmaids, cousin Carol, Uncle Ralph, Mom’s friend Jan and that florist who rolled her eyes at me:
Yes, I'm getting married seven hours from the nearest airport in a remote desert location where my cat will officiate and the guests have been asked to provide the potluck dinner based on my luteal phase requirements. But please, people. I’m self-aware enough to realize that my dream wedding might be someone else’s perfect nightmare. Yet none of this gives you permission to call me the b-word. Thus and thus, I've created an official list of approved nicknames that you may use to address me (without making direct eye contact, of course).
1. The Bride
2. The future Mrs. Schwartzman (HASHTAG TINGLES!)
4. Co-Dependent (If you know me, you get this is HILARIOUS)
5. Bride of Chucky, when you make me angry :)
6. Miss Jackson, if you’re nasty
7. Lord of the Rings
10. Every Board Member on the Board
11. Ya know what, just call me Sheryl Sandberg
12. Or better yet: Oprah
13. Your Commander in Chief
14. The future Mrs. Schwartz (I’m thinking of dropping the “man”)
15. Your Kind, Benevolent Leader
16. Goddess of Compassion Who Did Not Have to (but Did!) Keep Your Ass on the Guest List ::cough cough, Mom’s childhood friend Jan::
17. Master of Whisperers (that’s right, Stacy—a little birdie told me you think everyone looks anemic in the bridesmaid dresses. Well, guess what? THAT’S THE POINT!)
18. Omnipotent Power Who Sees and Hears All. Yeah, looking at you, Uncle Ralph. You may be the wise, old octogenarian, but I know you had the utter gall to ask my mother if there’d be “Big Band music,” which is offensive and ageist. For your information, there will be a transcendental drum circle for 15 minutes before the sun touches the horizon. After that, we’ll GENEROUSLY ask you to join us on the dance floor for Katy Perry. No horns. Deal with it.
19. S. (thinking of dropping most of the name)
20. Miss Independent (HILARIOUS because I barely know the guy I’m marrying)
21. On second thought: I think I’ll keep my name—in case you were wondering who to make check out to.