Roll out the red carpet and call up Harry Winston—the Oscars are almost here! And while, sure, you may not actually be nominated (there’s always next year) or even invited to the actual show (again, always next year!), we went ahead and surmised what your Academy Award acceptance speech would be, based on your zodiac sign, because, we staunchly believe there’s always next year.
“There are so many people to thank—and I would absolutely love to—but I’m short on time and, let’s be honest: I got here mostly on my own.”
“I had a whole speech prepared, but I’m really just in awe of this gorgeous statuette. It’s really shiny! Wow. I’m thinking it will look impeccable on my Steinway baby grand next to the Audemars Pigue.”
“Where do I begin? I guess, well, I guess I’ll just start from the beginning of this incredible journey: I was born at stroke of midnight on a full moon. The weather was approximately 72 degrees with a barometric pressure of 29.2…
[ 3 minutes later.]
…You see, my mother’s birth plan did not involve an epidural—oh, wait why is the music playing? I’m not—”
“Accepting on behalf of [Cancer’s] honor is Dame Judy Dench.”
(You prefer to watch the awards from bed.)
“Since so many of you watching at home probably missed my indie-yet-Oscar-winning performance, I’d like to replicate it now for you. For context, this is the scene in which the heroine—me—does a tap dance in the nude to prove she’s ‘got what it takes.’ And although my character is from Staten Island, just for fun, I’ll be doing it now, on live television, with an Australian accent. Tweet at me if you like it!"
“I’m…absolutely speechless. As in, I have no words prepared. My performance was utterly riddled with flaws—I really thought there’s no way I could win. I mean, did you see my performance? It’s like everything I learned in acting school went out the window. Frankly, I’m embarrassed for whoever chose me to be here. This is a disgrace for the Academy.”
“So many people to thank! Mom, Dad, Grandma, Grandpa, Aunt Delores, Great Uncle Fred, my brother, my sister, my half-brother, my half-sister, my half-sister’s friend, Jen, Jen’s cousin who once honked at me to let me know that my brights were on, the entire crew at my local Starbucks—you guys are seriously always on point—the lady passing out mints in the bathroom—I owe you, man!!!”
“For those who held me back, talked poorly of me, ignored my emails or even glanced at me the wrong way, I dedicate this award to you. Because every time I look at my accomplishment, I will think of the enemies who tried to take me down. My success is your greatest punishment, and I thank the Academy so dearly for that.”
“Wow wow wee wow!
[Copious amounts of weird, loud giggles.]
“I cannot stand up here and accept this on my own! We are all here because we share a love for a common denominator: the transcendent art of the motion picture. And so, I humbly invite every single person in this room—yes, even the seat fillers—to get on stage with me and share this unbelievable moment! Seriously! Get up here! Pass this Oscar around—in fact, you know what? Keep it. I’m kinda done with this whole ‘movie’ thing. Does anyone know any great pottery classes around here?”
“First and foremost, I would like the thank the Academy. Next, I will go on to graciously acknowledge the key players who helped me get here. And finally, I will thank my loved ones quickly but with a sprinkle of light jest since I’ve read that makes me seem relatable but is still unremarkable enough to spark any negative headlines. Under 30 seconds? Boom.”
“The ice caps are melting, the ozone layer is shot up, a food-housing-water-economic crisis is awaiting the next generation and we’re giving each other gold statues? None of this matters! [Insert political takedown and adamant support for an obscure 2020 presidential candidate.] Peace on earth.”
“Yes, it’s true…I penned the script, manned the camera, edited the film and scored the soundtrack, but this was truly truly truly a collaborative effort amongst incredible, daring souls for whom I am forever grateful. What we can take away from tonight is that art has the power to heal and change the world, and I’m oh-so humbled to be a tiny grain of sand in that effort—and therefore all profits from our film will go to charity. Goodnight!”