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Is Doggy Parton actually happy to see you when you get home? Or is she just excited because you’re about to serve up dinner? Is she purposefully vengeful when she piddles on the sofa? Or what about when she tore up your $400 Jimmy Choos? Oh, the things we would ask our dogs… But in the meantime, here’s what we imagine our furry friends are thinking all day.

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5:59 a.m. Come onnnnn! Wake up, Mom. We’re gonna miss the sunrise.

6:02 a.m. Seriously--let’s go! Up and at 'em. Wait wait wait--don’t you dare cover your ears with that pillow; I’m communicating here.

6:05 a.m. OK, fine. I will lick your face until you actually sit up.

6:06 a.m. Yayyyyy! OK, follow me. I know this really cool door that leads to this really cool thing called “outside”--let’s go.

6:08 a.m. Ahhh. Sweet relief. 

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6:09 a.m. Food?

6:51 a.m. I pride myself on my subtlety, so I’ll just sit by the Costco-size bag of dry food and stare at you until you scoop me some. 

7:03 a.m. Only one scoop? Is everything OK at work? Has something happened? I get low blood sugar--ahhh, there we go. Two full, delicious scoops. 

7:34 a.m. Naptime. Thank you for leaving your side of the bed warm.

8:42 a.m. BURGLAR! BURGLAR! SOUND THE ALARM!!!!

8:44 a.m. Ohhh, just that damn squirrel knocking against the window again. I will get you one day, Mr. Squirrel.

9:02 a.m. Wait, where’d Mom go? I’m home alone! Party!

9:10 a.m. If jumping onto the barstool to grab some leftover crumbs is wrong, then I don’t wanna be right. 

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9:16 a.m. Wow, busy morning. I could really use a nap. This time I’ll try the chaise lounge you yell at me every time I use. Too bad you’re not home… 

10:45 a.m. BURGLAR! BURGLAR! SOUND THE ALARM!!! 

10:46 a.m. Hold up--that’s not a burglar, that’s my favorite human, Brad, here to give me a walk. OMG, Brad! Hi! I’m here! Do you see me? I’m jumping on you so you know I exist. As we canines like to say: To jump on you is to exist.

10:48 a.m. Follow me, Brad! This way. I know this super-cool door that leads to this super-cool place called “Outside.” You’re gonna love it.

11:00 a.m. Ahhhh. Sweet relief.

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11:03 a.m. Well there, Sarah Jessica Barker, nice to see you out this morning. May I?

11:04 a.m. Honestly, it’s just bad manners not to ask to sniff my butt after I sniffed yours. SMH. 

11:08 a.m. I just, like, feel like the whole neighborhood should know I was here. #marked 

11:09 a.m. And here. #marked 

11:10 a.m. Oh, here, too. #marked

11:25 a.m. Now…food? Who’s got some food?

11:30 a.m. I will use my ESP mind control to get Brad to open the bag, scoop those delicious kibbles and dump it right into my bowl. Yes, yes, there we go. 

11:31 a.m. Now leave me, Brad.

11:35 a.m. Nap time. On the chaise lounge. Sue me.

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4:36 p.m. Ooh, someone left the TV on. I love House Hunters.

4:58 p.m. C’mon! You guys gotta go with the house with the big backyard--what are you thinking?

5:16 p.m. BURGLAR! BURGLAR! SOUND THE ALARM!!!

5:17 p.m. OMG! It’s not a burglar. It’s Mom! Hi, Mom! Do you see me? No? I’ll jump on you until you see me! 

5:26 p.m. Get a load of this: If I roll over on my back, my mom is trained to rub my belly.

6:04 p.m. Mom’s acting strange--cleaning up, hiding her pile of mail in the junk drawer--which could only mean we’re having people over! Wahooo.

7:15 p.m. They’re here! People are here! And they’re not burglars! 

7:16 p.m. Welcome, Jill. Hi, George. Bruce and Suz, nice to see both of you again.

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8:14 p.m. If I stare at what you’re eating long enough, it will teleport into my tummy.

9:01 p.m. Who’s got four paws and a mom who’s too busy with friends to notice me eating up all these scraps? THIS GUY. 

9:34 p.m. Night, guys. Thanks for stopping by! I’ll stare at the window awhile after you leave just to make sure you take off OK.

10:51 p.m. What a day! And so much on the books tomorrow--it ain’t easy checking off all the places I want to nap in this house. 

11:11 p.m. Night, Mom. Love…

11:12 p.m. Food.

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