I Asked My Friends to Help Plan My NYE Party, but No One Responded. Should I Cancel?

“Every year, I plan a huge New Year’s Eve party for all my friends. People just rave about how much fun they have at ‘my party.’ I love hosting, and I have no problem putting in the time to make it special. However, now that I’ve been doing this for five years and have a 9-month-old, I don’t want to do it alone. So, recently, I cast the net to see if I could find a co-host—someone to help me the day of the party—and no one stepped up. I am experiencing a growing resentment now that everyone wants to enjoy the party but not plan it or do the dirty work to prep for all those guests. Should I be more direct and honest with my closest friends? Or should I just do it this year but not continue the tradition next year?”

First, you are #friendgoals. Putting on a party that everyone loves, all on your own, for years, is both entirely admirable and a ton of work. Kudos to you for bringing all your friends together for such a fun celebration. But, yeah. When you have a young child, your priorities change. Your house is in disarray. Your spare energy is nonexistent. You have waaaay less time. 

Before you let anyone take you for granted, remember this celebration may be part of your friends’ holiday routine...but it’s also voluntary. You should not feel obligated to continue throwing this kickass party every single year without any help—especially if you explicitly asked for it and did not receive it.

The way I see it, right now you can take two paths. 

Hosting it is really fun—and you love that everyone in your social circle looks forward to it too. It’s a great time to connect when everyone is so busy with their adult lives. But...you simply cannot go it alone anymore. You already asked your friends for help, but no one lifted a finger. This isn’t necessarily a reflection of bad manners but probably more confusion. Maybe they need direct orders. Assign specific duties to your friends: dessert, appetizers, snacks, alcohol, etc. As host, you’ll provide your home as the venue, decorate and clean it up before the party.

If your friends value this time together, they will step up when asked directly. If everyone still waffles when explicitly asked to help, then they do not want this tradition as much as you do. It’s best when friendships exist on equal footing, where all friends are putting in equal effort to sustain the relationships. I’d tell them this is your last year throwing the party. Or, if you feel the resentment swelling up, cancel the party—just try to give it a couple weeks’ notice.

After you reflect, you may realize that this party is fun in theory but just too overwhelming at this phase of your life. You don’t need to sell your case to anyone; good friends will get it.

If the big soiree is no longer the end game, think about downsizing the celebration. Next year, you could host a super intimate dinner for a handful of your closest friends and their partners; turkey, wine and great conversation might be superior to a big party with lots of moving pieces. Or hell, make a reservation at a restaurant so the only work you have to do is get your wallet out to pay the bill. You might even move on entirely from the adults-only gathering. As your child grows, it could make sense to do something family-oriented, like a game or movie night. A quiet NYE is actually my favorite. (I’ll pop a bottle at home, thanks!)

It’s always a good idea to reassess when a longtime routine in your life is no longer serving you. It sounds like this year’s NYE bash, as it stands, should be your last. Be very direct with your friends about your needs for this year’s event—but then make sure you don’t forget this overwhelmed feeling when you’re making plans next year. 

Jenna Birch is a journalist, speaker and the author of The Love Gap: A Radical Plan to Win in Life and Love, a dating and relationship-building guide for modern women. To ask her a question, which she may answer in a forthcoming PureWow column, email her at jen.birch@sbcglobal.net.