24 Things You Understand If You Always Have to Pee
Do the wiggle
You’ve based entire outfits on the amount of potential drinks you'll consume and are hyper-aware of your bladder-volume-to-toilet-distance ratio at all times. Here, 24 things you’ll only understand if your bladder is the size of a cashew.
1. You recommend restaurants based on their facilities. (The food was great, but ehhh, the bathroom was just OK.)
2. And you always assess travel time based on when you’ll need to go next.
3. A line for the restroom is a cruel, sick joke.
4. And stall-peeping is never beneath you when it comes to keeping the line moving.
5. But no toilet paper is downright inhumane.
6. Single-ply? Not today, Satan.
7. Which is why you never leave the house without your travel-size Kleenex.
8. Before going anywhere you do a full bladder scan, just to make sure that sip of water you had two hours ago isn’t going to exit your body anytime soon.
9. And you will consume liquids only if you’re absolutely positive there’s a bathroom nearby.
10. You’d take dehydration over a lower torso pain any day.
11. Because even though you’ve got your pee dance down to an art, it’s the worst feeling in the entire world when you have to hold it.
12. And when anyone asks if you can hold it (especially on any length of a car ride), they quickly regret it.
13. You get dressed with the mind-set that, at any given moment, you’ll need to go.
14. Jumpsuits? You’d rather wear a straitjacket.
15. Coffee? How long until we're home?
16. The satisfaction you feel when you finally go is like coming up for air after being underwater.
17. Water? Don’t talk about it or you’ll have to go again.
18. So help you God if someone cracks a joke when you've got a full bladder...
19. Less-than-fresh facilities have at least one advantage: You’ve learned to hold a perfect squat with ease.
20. And you’ve definitely gone outside behind a car at least a few times in your life.
21. And peeing in a Big Gulp cup during a long road trip has definitely crossed your mind.
22. OK, you’ve gone in the ocean… like every time.
23. But your million-dollar idea of luxury porta-potties on every street corner will change the world.
24. Because you’ve never, ever turned down the opportunity to go.