“My husband has a sexual fantasy that I’m just not into: He wants to have sex in a public place, where there’s a risk of being caught (like the bathroom of a restaurant). This doesn’t turn me on. If anything, it makes me extremely anxious. I’ve offered to do other kinky stuff—but he says this is the one thing he really wants. Do I need to compromise here?”
While I’m normally a proponent of compromise, this is a rare situation in which I’d advocate for standing firm. Sex, especially between two committed spouses, should always be about feeling comfortable enough to actually enjoy it. And if you truly can’t get there mentally, then his fantasy should stay just that—a fantasy.
But there are ways to talk about it productively. For starters, instead of focusing on the fantasy itself, make sure you clearly state the pressure he’s putting you under, and how unsexy that is. See, while he probably thinks you’ll “loosen up” eventually, by continuing to bring it up (rather than backing off once he realizes you’re not on board), he’s actually making you feel increasingly violated…and spurring more negative feelings about sex, period.
More to the point, you should never feel coerced into sex of any kind, with anybody, ever—even your husband.