How to Get Over Heartbreak, According to Scientists, Therapists and an Aesthetic Nurse

Congratulations! You have just been broken up with, and you are now the proud owner of a broken heart. Flummoxed as to the care and feeding of this newly crushed organ? (Ice cream bingeing or listless food refusal, which will it be?) What to do about all those pesky feelings and thoughts: Should you send your love a tone poem pleading for reconciliation, or alternatively take a baseball bat to their car? (Beyoncé did it in a video so that makes it OK, right?) We looked to a wide range of experts, scientific studies and also an aesthetic nurse to answer some of the most-asked questions about this new life-stage you’re in…which we promise is growth even though it feels like death.

First off, know that there are actual physical changes going on in response to your emotional state. One study showed that the same part of a person’s brain that becomes active in response to physical pain also “lights up” when that person is shown a picture of their ex-partner after an unwanted breakup. (Note to scientists: This study just seems excessively cruel.)

Not only that—in some cases, a broken heart can require hospitalization, when you develop something called stress-induced cardiomyopathy, a condition which presents like a heart attack (intense chest pain, irregular heartbeat) but isn’t due to a blocked artery. Instead, part of the heart stretches out and stops working well. It's rare, but take any debilitating pain seriously.

This is your brain on hugs: In a 2010 study, scientists showed 10 women and 5 men pictures of their exes and performed an MRI to show which part of their brain was activated. It was the same part of the brain that in-love couples activated. This “regional VTA activation suggests that mesolimbic reward/survival systems are involved in romantic passion regardless of whether one is happily or unhappily in love.” Translation: Even if it wasn't a great relationship, you’re still enmeshed. And your heartbreak is stimulating the same part of the brain that is involved in human motivation and cocaine cravings. Yikes. So, if you’re feeling like a craven addict jonesing for a hit of Mr. or Ms. Wonderful, you’re not crazy. You just might need to create some new neural pathways in your brain, to feel pleasure in a new and healthier way.

In Chidera Eggerue’s book How to Get Over a Boy, the body positivity movement activist suggests the time of a breakup is the time to strengthen your sense of self, “because what keeps us psychologically chained to them the majority of the time is the validation we receive from men.” She suggests you take some time to really examine your relationship to your appearance and jettison any culturally transmitted beauty beliefs that make you feel bad about yourself. “Wanting to be liked for how you look is the beginning of handing away your power of self-acceptance,” she writes.

On the other hand, if you feel like a little medical intervention, go for it. Leslie Lee, a Minnesota and Southern California-based aesthetic nurse says “during a breakup, I don’t know about you, but I cry a lot. I feel overwhelmed with sadness and my heart is heavy. I don’t want to do anything. So going and doing something for myself by myself feels empowering and invigorating.” She would “give the green light on a little Botox/neurotoxin, SkinPen or PRP facial” and ideally, find a provider that wants to “not only give you a little aesthetic tweak, but also give you a soul tweak by recommending podcasts, books, or other self-care resources. You will leave feeling refreshed because you will have also had a good talk session, felt seen, heard, and known.” Interestingly, Lee believes that stress can be a factor complicating effective use of filler, so if a grieving patient has never had filler, she might ask them to wait.

Talk therapy is a contemporary knee-jerk reaction to psychological pain these days, but will it specifically help with heartbreak? According to Southern California-based therapist Sepideh Saremi, the answer is nuanced. “Romantic losses are so profound—they hurt so much because adult romantic relationships are often used unconsciously by people to work through their childhood wounds, by trying to get needs met that weren't met earlier in life. So when heartbreak happens, it's often not just the loss of the person that hurts, but also the reminder of what we didn't get from our parents and never really stop longing for.” Eep. If this is you, it's time to consult a trained professional. “Therapy is helpful because it teaches us what we are trying to get in a relationship with another person and heals some of those original wounds, so that we have a better shot at finding and making the right relationship work, and we are much more resilient when things don't work out,” Saremi says.

Saremi has innovated a therapeutic practice that combines walking or running alongside her patients—oftentimes on a beachside path near her office—that she says helps speed heartache recovery. “I've worked with a number of people who have used the running therapy to help accelerate their healing after heartbreak and loss, romantic or otherwise. The running therapy allows them to speak more freely, bond more quickly with the therapist, and get clearer, faster about what they want and need in their lives.” Even without a trained clinician alongside you, Saremi recommends exercise. “Running and exercise after a breakup will certainly make a person feel better after a breakup, even without therapy. There are huge neurochemical and physiological benefits that can counteract the symptoms of grief people experience after romantic loss; exercise helps to regulate sleep, digestion, and improve your focus and ability to think well, all of which can be compromised when you're heartbroken. Also, the structure of adding running or exercise to their schedule can give people a sense of control that they might otherwise be missing.”

A recent study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that masturbation to orgasm releases endocannabinoids in humans, that’s the pleasurable reward we feel when we eat, exercise and have social interaction. So, if it’s not followed by a post-climax bout of lonely despair, but instead helps you get to sleep, have at it. And say hello to your new little friend (aka your perfect vibrator, determined by PureWow's top-secret poll).

This is an intuitive step that’s backed up by science—spending time with a pet or taking the plunge and adopting one can make you feel better. The Center for the Human-Animal Bond at Purdue University has published studies in which military veterans with PTSD create less of the stress hormone cortisol when they are accompanied by an animal. And children with autism sweat less when they’re next to an animal. Also, military veterans and people with physical disabilities have a higher quality of life than those without service animals. Additionally, a University of Missouri-Columbia study showed that levels of serotonin, the feel-good hormone, increase when petting a dog. (In a fun control, the study included the results of petting a robotic dog, which caused serotonin levels to drop.)

You know that feeling of comfort when your partner rested an arm or leg over you? DIY that sitch! Put your autonomic nervous system in rest mode without anyone else around by using a weighted blanket. Bonus: a blanket never wakes up with morning breath. There are models with cooling technology for warm sleepers and attractive tailored designs available.

Here's a collection of our favorites. They have real talk, so read 'em and weep, but remember—the only way to get over heartbreak is to go through it.