You’re not sure when exactly it started, but one thing is for certain: You have a sworn enemy. Maybe it’s because she borrowed your Elena Ferrante books and then lent them to another person without asking. Whatever the case, if toxic brinkmanship isn’t quite your M.O.—you’re more of a scream-into-your-pillow kind of gal—then we have the solution for you. Here’s how to absolutely and utterly destroy your nemesis so damn subtly, they won’t even realize you’ve done it. [Insert evil laugh.]
Say hi when you run into her.
Your enemy thinks you’re going to be rude. Throw her off by being, dare we say, nice?
Ask her how she’s doing.
Little does she know you’re only doing this to keep her busy from destroying your life.
Inquire about her children.
Yes, you know her kids’ ages, names and hobbies. She’ll think you’re being thoughtful, but it’s called collecting collateral, hunni.
Like all of her Instagram posts.
Jedi mind tricks, baby. With every heart she sees, she forgets you’re actually mortal enemies.
While you’re there, reply to her stories.
A good ol’ “HAHAHAHAHA” in response to her toddler saying, “I doodied my pants!” will keep her exactly where you want her.
Invite her to book club.
The invite, on the surface, is lovely. But you know—perhaps only you know—the subtext reads: “Give me my goddamn Elena Ferrante book set back. You have 24 hours until I unleash hell in the form of gossip on your ass.”
Support her hobbies.
Did she ask you to donate for her 5K? Give her your kids’ college funds. Did she invite you to a charity event? Donate a kidney to the silent auction. Be the friend who she can utterly and totally depend on. That way, she’ll never know the long game you’re playing.
Offer her your beach house.
Little does she know you couldn’t rent it to anyone else this year, so she’s actually doing you a favor.
Ask her, last minute, to take care of something really important.
Sh*t! You forgot your youngest kid didn’t have soccer practice and you were already 30 minutes away taking the twins to play rehearsal. She’s the one person you can call to help you out, and she’ll gladly do it for you…idiot.
Text her all the time.
She doesn’t even watch Housewives, but now she’s stuck reading your live updates on Lisa Vanderpump vs. Kyle Richards.
Confide in her your deepest secrets.
Joke’s on her! Your therapist requested you leave the practice and no one else will listen to you complain.
Cry on her shoulder.
You know she’s wearing 100 percent silk, but you needed to let it out and she was there for you. Dummy.
Let her keep the books.
As a reminder of, you know, how terrible a person she is.