Struggling with how to get out of some—OK, all—of your holiday obligations? No sweat. Here are 30 excuses you can use to dodge any party, event or get-together no matter how genuinely you told that guy from your spin class that you’d “love to stop by.” Seriously. Take your pick and press send.
1. I’m so sry…woke up sick. Staying in:/
2. This week has been nutty, think I need to lay low tonight.
3. OMG. That’s tonight!? I’m LITERALLY the WORST.
4. Trains are wack! Won’t make it. Hugs to everyone.
5. Traffic is insane! Won’t make it. Hugs to everyone.
6. You’re not gonna believe this. I’m stuck at work. FML
7. Will try my best to be there, but things are CRAY RN
8. Oh no, thought I told you I couldn’t make it! Send my <3
9. Terrible headache (u know I get headaches), gonna take an Excedrin and see wat happens, but probs won’t make it.
10. Taking the night for myself. #selfcarealert!
11. So weird. It’s like I’m trying to get out of bed and get dressed, but my body just won’t let me. Have fun!
12. My car broke down! Of course, me! On the one night of the year I was most looking forward to!
13. Wait—LITERALLY walking to my car RN and it’s straight up missing???
14. So embarrassing but Uber banned me (apparently you can’t cook dinner on a portable stove in the back seat?!) and I have no way of getting there.
15. I’m grounded. I grounded myself. YAS QUEEN! It’s the new meditation.
16. About 2 cough up a lung (LITERALLY). So gross. Down for count!
17. LITERALLY just stepped on a nail. Going 2 hospital 4 tetanus.
18. OMG I’m a LITERAL MONSTER PERSON. Just threw up EVERYWHERE! Not gonna make it.
19. HAHAHA you’re gonna LITERALLY DIE…I’M OUT OF TOWN!!!
20. OMG, must’ve RSVP’d while in a fugue state. SO ME! Can’t be there.
21. Is Anthrax still a thing? A lil worried someone just sent me some in the mail.
22. Remember that quarantine scene from E.T.? That’s like LITERALLY me RN.
23. I’M A LITERAL GARBAGE PERSON. Not sanitary for other people to touch me.
24. OMFG abducted by kind, benevolent aliens. See you Monday!
25. NOT JK-ing: Platform 9 and ¾ IS REAL!!!
26. Shoot, I have another holiday party tonight! (Party of one on my couch, B*CHES!)
27. Oops. That last part was meant for someone else. LOL?! LITERALLY #MONSTERGARBAGEGIRL
28. The person you’re looking for no longer uses this number.
30. Who dis?