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Ever play automotive Miss Manners? It’s super-fun, especially when you’re stuck on the 101 during rush-hour traffic, listening to All Things Considered as you watch the driver in the next car shove what appears to be half a sandwich into her mouth, anaconda-style. 

Here then, a no-swear-words-allowed taxonomy of our most anger-inducing fellow travelers on the freeway of life. Because it’s lonely being perfect, right?

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The Binge Eater

A UK study showed reaction times slowed more while eating than being drunk. Still hungry? You wouldn’t be if you knew how you looked scarfing that fast food.

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The Tweeter

Super-cute topiary + social media = Accident waiting to happen.

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The Tailgater

Want to know how close to follow? Use the three-second rule: Choose a fixed point even with the car in front of you, then count the seconds until you pass that point. If it’s less than three seconds, you need to allow more room.

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The Signal Phobic

You change lanes, you put on your blinker. Otherwise how do we know where you’re going?

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The Blinker Forgetter

Yup, we’ve been waiting for you to slide on into that left lane for three miles now, but you’re just smooth sailing straight ahead. At 40 miles per hour.

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The Biker

Oh, you thrill-seeker motorcyclists. We know you love that Cali is the only state where it’s legal to zoom between autos to get in front of them. But let’s keep lane-splitting, as it’s called, limited to zipping out of a traffic jam, and then only at less than 50 miles per hour. In other words, life is not an action flick.

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The Texter

If you’ve got your phone in your hand, we assume you’re texting. Super-scary and a minimum $159 ticket.

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The Speed Demon

Traffic already on the freeway has the right of way. So there’s no excuse for taking off our passenger’s-side door with your zeal to enter the pack.

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The Rubbernecker

Yep, last November Harry Styles’s car pulled over so he could vomit. And someone else stopped to collect the, umm, evidence to sell on eBay. So much is wrong with this picture.

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