I'm Fully Convinced These 3 Things Would Make the Oscars, Well, Oscar-Worthy

Sure, Timmy isn't in the running for any awards. And I'm not arguing that Beautiful Boy should've been nominated. But just think of the number of people who would tune in just to see what eccentric fashion choice the young actor makes? The eye-candy opportunity they're passing on is massive.

It's called "giving the people what they want," and the people want to drool over a young thespian with smoldering eyes, great cheekbones and a chiseled jawline.

It is abundantly clear from her Twitter feed alone that Cher should fill the gaping void that is this year's hosting role. She has a Broadway musical about her life, she's locked lips with Meryl Streep, she makes bold sartorial choices, she'd probably bare her midriff (or more). When it comes to award shows, more is more, and I want a show. If not Cher, then whom?

Sorry, but my bedtime is, like, 10 p.m. at the latest. And I'm usually asleep by hour two at best. Let's cap it at 90 minutes, hun. I've gotta work in the morning.

And there you have it. Why the Academy hasn't brought me on as a consultant yet, your guess is as good as mine. At least now they know where to find me: planted deep in my couch with a bowl of popcorn, yelling WHERE’S TIMMY?! and arguing that Ethan Hawke should've won everything.