Welcome to another dramatic season of The Bachelorette. Last night, Rachel Lindsay kicked off the show’s 13th season and welcomed 31 strapping gentlemen to the Los Angeles Bachelor mansion.
The episode begins with a reintroduction to the “sassy yet classy” Lindsay. We watch as she proudly drives around her hometown of Dallas, Texas, and she shares a glimpse of her professional life as a civil litigation attorney. She even hits us with an “I object!” in the spirit of Elle Woods’s Harvard video application in Legally Blonde.
After she proves she’s a real lawyer, Lindsay wanders and pines over the one that got away: Season 21 Bachelor Nick Viall. Lindsay and Viall hit it off almost immediately in the most recent season of The Bachelorette’s brother show, The Bachelor, but she admits her issues with verbalizing her feelings played a major role in their relationship’s demise. Lindsay then says she refuses to let this character flaw derail her Bachelorette journey, because this time around, it’s the real deal.
Before she meets the men, Lindsay invites former contestants Corinne O., Jasmine G., Whitney F., Alexis W., Kristina S., Raven G. and Astrid L. over for a powwow. P.S. Who are these girls and why can’t we remember any of them from last season? Anywho, Lindsay and her unfamiliar besties get together for a gab sesh when homegirl Whitney starts running her mouth about one of Lindsay’s 31 suitors named DeMario. Organically, she feels the need to confess that a friend of a friend’s college roommate claims DeMario’s intentions might not be pure. Honey, just wait until you meet the “Whaboom.”
Raven G. pulls through with some heartfelt advice and encourages Lindsay to be vulnerable and wear her heart on her sleeve. She goes on and on gushing over Lindsay as an amazing woman. We love you, Raven, but chill. This show is not about you, nor your over-the-top emotions.
We then transition back to Chris Harrison, because guess what? It’s finally time for the limos (and men) to arrive. Here are the deets of each man’s arrival…
Peter (30): He’s a gap-toothed version of Luke Pell (from JoJo Fletcher’s season) in a checkered suit.
Josiah (28): In a heartbreaking introductory segment, Josiah shares that when he was seven-years-old, his older brother took his own life. Following his brother’s tragic death, he went down the wrong path and served jail time, but ultimately turned his life around thanks to an inspiring attorney. Now, Josiah is a master of legal puns.
Bryan (37): A sexy Colombian who charms Lindsay with his Spanish-speaking skills. Bonus points: He’s a chiropractor and good with his hands. (wink face emoji)
Kenny (25): Aka Pretty Boy Pitbull Kenny King. He refers to Lindsay as “Pretty Rachel.” He may have a tough exterior, but he’s actually a loving dad chock-full of bad dad jokes.
Iggy (30): You guys…Iggy is “genuinely and authentically really, really excited to be on The Bachelorette.”
Bryce (30): He’s a man in uniform and literally sweeps Rachel off her feet.
Will (28): He comes out of the limo dressed as Steve Urkel, slips, rushes back to the limo and reemerges as the suave Stefan. Your move, Lindsay...
Diggy (31): He got his nickname because of his fresh-to-death wardrobe, and he’s ready to teach Rachel how to do the Diggy (in every sense).
Kyle (26): He shows up with an actual basket of buns...hot cross buns. Thanks for playing, Kyle.
Blake K. (29): The Evan (from The Bachelorette season 12) of this season. He frequently refers to little Blake K....
Brady (29): He performs what could possibly be the lamest physical pun ever by breaking a block of ice with a hammer (à la Thor), then drops the mic and struts away. Play on, playa.
Dean (25): He’s better known as the guy who regrets saying, “I’m ready to go black and I’m never going to go back” to Lindsay on Viall's After the Final Rose episode.
Eric (29): Eric, another After the Final Rose participant, reminds us he and Lindsay have a thing or two in common (aka embarrassing dance moves).
DeMario (30): He’s looking forward to many more “moments” with Rachel, including their first date, first kiss and a potential Las Vegas elopement (for which he’s already purchased the tickets).
Blake E. (31): He’s an aspiring drummer and brings an entire marching band as backup.
Fred (27): Lindsay was his camp counselor back in the day…and he was a bad kid.
Jonathan (31): The “Tickle Monster” is just as creepy as we suspected.
Lee (30): Poor guy. His musical entrance is awkward and pitchy.
Alex (28): His intro segment claims he’s a nerd who’s incorrectly stereotyped as a meathead. Then he shows up at the mansion with a vacuum and claims he’s with the cleanup crew. Hot?
Milton (31): Ready, set, selfie! Props on the vintage Polaroid cam, Milt.
Adam (26): He brings along a little friend named Adam Jr. (AJ) and no, not of the Blake K. type, but close. AJ is a terribly creepy doll with absolutely zero purpose. At least he’s employed...
Matt (32): The guy in the penguin costume.
Grant (29): Um, is anyone wondering where and how he rode in with an ambulance?
Anthony (26): Sincere but a real snooze button.
Jamey (32): Jamey with -ey.
Jack (31): The guy with the most pristine white teeth.
Mohit (26): Competitive dancer and (spoiler alert!) least likely to hold his liquor in the Bachelor mansion.
Jedidiah (25): A biblical man of very few words and interesting eyebrow game.
Michael (26): He brings a brownie and mumbles something about it being black. Bye, now.
Lucas (30): Where do we even begin? First of all, Lucas needs to re-watch episode one and witness his “Whaboom” impression firsthand. And secondly, who gave that kid a megaphone? DeMario immediately declares him “the crazy one.” Sounds about right.
And with a whaboom, the limos are empty and the men are ready. Lindsay makes her way into the mansion to greet the men. Following a brief toast, Josiah pulls a Corrine (you’ll recall from Viall’s season) and steals Lindsay away for the first one-on-one time of the night. He immediately dives into a well-rehearsed story of how he became a prosecutor, and Lindsay is eating up every word.
Let the games begin.
Next, Lindsay settles in with former camper Fred. She clearly finds him attractive, but admits she can’t see beyond his “bad boy” third grade antics. Start packing, Fred.
Moving on to Bryan, he who woos her with more of his sexy Spanish-speaking skills and practically devours her entire face as he officially claims the first kiss of the season. Pretty, pretty awkward to watch, but at least Lindsay enjoyed it.
And then...Harrison drops off The. First. Impression. Rose.
The guys straight up lose their minds and begin to second-guess their time spent with Lindsay. The men transform into full-blown Hunger Games mode and bombard Lindsay in 30-second intervals. Meanwhile Mohit (or “Mo”) is completely obliterated with zero idea of what’s happening around him.
Lindsay finally hands the first impression rose to the sexy Colombian, Bryan. He aggressively goes for the kill and lands another major kiss, which apparently wakes up Mo from his drunken stupor as he is heard saying, “NOOOO, keep your mouth away,” in the background. You do you, Mo.
At the long-awaited rose ceremony, Lindsay hands out only 23 roses, which means it’s goodbye for Rob, Kyle, Mohit, Blake K., Grant, Jedidiah, Michael and Milton.
The episode concludes with a joint freestyle rap that proves the gentlemen may have some “Whaboom” in them, after all.