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‘The Real Housewives of New York’ Season 10 Episode 14: Criminal Intent
Bravo

We don’t get the cabaret or Cartagena in this episode, but we do get some delightful little strange moments that are worth a mention, so here we go:

1. Lu doesn’t know how to get the bridge of her own song. A song released in 2010, which means that she’s had eight years to learn the bridge of her own song. 

2. Carol co-parents her dog with a man we have ne’er seen on the show before, and I doubt we will e’er see again. 

3. The perpetual fear that Sonja’s not wearing underwear indicates that these women truly have PTSD from Sonja’s last show and are triggered by the upcoming possibility of a recurrence at the cabaret. 

4. Sure, Lu is wearing her little beret and acting all thespian, but she’s theater illiterate, calling her different acts “scenarios.” I know this sounds nitpicky, but it’s basically like to calling first base “that leather pillow.”

5. That said, Lu’s really grasped the legal lexicon: criminal intent, leniencyevidence—get this woman a gavel already!

6. Tinsley’s “moving day” was uncannily reminiscent of all those times my mom complained to the front desk that our room was too close to the elevator or that someone was clearly smoking in the bathroom or that there were too many stray pubic hairs on the sheets. Actually, it is the same thing. Tinsley’s moving hotel rooms.

7. I don’t know how waterboarding feels, but I’m going to assume it’s something like watching Ramona Singer flirt with a red-scarfed, middle-part-haired lawyer. I think I yelled “Uncle!!!!” to an empty room when Scarf said, “My parents have been married 55 years,” and Ramona dotingly responded, “I love that story.” 

8. Still, nothing beats Ramona asking a man named Abel, “What nationality are you?” Abel responding: “American,” and Ramona staring at him confused.

9. I don’t know what having your toenails pulled off one by one feels like, but I’m going to assume it’s something like watching Bethenny do her anti-flirt, punch ya in the balls “want a BJ?!” thing with said red-scarfed, middle-part-haired lawyer.

10. I do know what fremdschämen feels like, though, and witnessing Carol become bitter that she didn’t get the chance to talk with said red-scarfed, middle-part-haired lawyer (the twist? It’s Adam who fell through a time machine) felt gross. I don’t want to see my most confident housewife jealous over a weird man. 

11. Just, like, all of Sonja’s quotes at the speed dating event. “Do I smell like mothballs?” “She’s top shelf.” “I grew up with that kinda ruddy, red skin.” I’ve never been administered truth serum, but I assume these are the types of things I would say if I had.  

12. Lu’s speed dating conversations. Man 1: “I’m a regular guy.” Lu 1: “Cool.” Man 2: “How was your Christmas?” Lu 2: “Uh…I went to Florida…and I stayed in Florida.”

13. We don’t need to mentioned the glitter factory ad (Jovani), church or that awful, awful S&M man. [Shivers]

14. HOWEVER, the man at the bar while Ramona’s ordering a tequila for Scarf deserves a standing ovation. We have zero context for who this man is, and yet he’s stirring the pot and name-dropping Bethenny! That is what the justice system refers to as criminal intent. Get this man an apple and let him join the cast.

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‘THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW YORK’ SEASON 10 EPISODE 12
‘The Real Housewives of New York’ Season 10 Episode 13

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