Season 13, episode two started with a Bachelorette bang.
Dean, Jack, Jonathan (aka Tickle Monster), Blake, Iggy, Kenny, Fred and the very annoying Whaboom (real name: Lucas) receive a date card that bluntly states, “I'm looking for husband material,” and off they embark on their first group date.
The guys arrive at a grassy field and catch sight of Lindsay working a grill. They nosh on some BBQ and then hunker down for a friendly-ish game of football. Then Bachelor super fans Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher show up and tell the men Lindsay's looking for “a man with health insurance.” Uh, have they seen these guys’ job titles? Aspiring drummer, Tickle Monster, Whaboom...
Alas, Kunis and Kutcher devised a surefire plan to separate the real men from the manbabies—a husband themed obstacle course.
The course challenges the men to complete mundane tasks like changing diapers and vacuuming. Both activities prove to be too much for weirdo wildcard Whaboom. Though Wha(why is he still here)boom wins the event, it's safe to remove him from the potential husband list—it’s only a matter of time before Lindsay gives him the boot.
Apparently, we’re not the only ones who feel strongly about Whaboom. Blake shares similar sentiments and spends the duration of the post-date party convincing Lindsay Whaboom is on The Bachelorette for the wrong reasons. Duh.
Dean (you know, the guy who looks like a baby) wins the group date rose. He walks Lindsay to her limo, then swoops in for a cute baby kiss...because he is an infant.
Back at the mansion, handsome silverish fox Peter wins the one-on-one date card. Lindsay and Peter hop on a private jet with Lindsay's pup Copper and head off to a dog pool party in Palm Springs, California, called Barkfest. We repeat. A DOG POOL PARTY IN PALM SPRINGS. There are dog (and human) cuddles galore. Lindsay and Peter even discuss their matching gappy-toothed grins. Obviously, Lindsay gives Peter the one-on-one date rose because how could she not?
Cut to Jamey, Diggy, Alex, Will, Adam, Lee, Matt, Eric and Josiah finding out they're about to shoot some hoops with Lindsay. Naturally, basketball legend Kareem Abdul-Jabbar appears courtside to profoundly draw the parallels between basketball and love. The men thoroughly embarrass themselves on the court and head back to the locker room to hit the showers.
But then...a rando woman named Lexi shows up, and we all know nothing good can come of this.
Surprise! Lexi was DeMario's girlfriend...until he abruptly stopped talking to her and appeared super single and ready to mingle with Lindsay on After the Final Rose. Not only did DeMario never break up with Lexi, but he also had the nerve to play ignorant when Lindsay brought the pair face to face. Eye roll, get out of our lives, DeMario.
Lindsay is obviously on our level and tells DeMario, “I’m really gonna need you to get the f— out.” Mic drop.
Of course, DeMario is seen back at the mansion attempting to clear the air. For reasons beyond us, she indulges him and walks outside to hear him out. The remaining gaggle of men conspicuously follow the pair in an attempt to group eavesdrop, but really just end up appearing like us when we smell microwave popcorn coming from the office kitchen.
Guess we'll just have to wait until next week to hear DeMario’s lame excuses and see whom Lindsay sends packing. *Angrily throws snacks, shoes and lapdog at TV*