How to Worsen Your Finances in 32 Easy Steps
Dear smart, savvy business lady. Look at you with your structured tote and your beach waves and your crippling student debt. Just walking along…having it all. Here are 32 tips for making the most of your finances, because you’ve earned it baby! (And by “earned,” we mean you’re borrowing at a 20 percent APR.)
1. Set Up Your 401(K)
And then cash out so you can finally see what all this Hamilton fuss is about.
2. And While You’re at It, Set Aside a Nest Egg
Keep it in a homemade incubator for 21 days and boom—baby chicks!
3. Make a Wise Investment
You had us at socialist-silent-film Kickstarter project.
4. Donate to a Good Cause
Like the shoe department at Barneys.
5. Join a Really Expensive Gym
Never go, but tell everyone about it.
6. Trade in Gold for Cash
And bury it in your yard.
7. Ask for a Raise
Settle for a demotion plus a new mug. (You’ve got to see this mug.)
8. Responsibly Venmo Your Rent on Time
Wait, it’s @Land_lord? Not @Land-lord?
9. Figure Out Your Credit Score
10. Reply to That Email with All Your Bank Account Information
Can you prove that you’re not a decedent of Nigerian royalty?
11. Now Start Flipping Things Like They Do on TV
Start with cars. Move on to houses. Also omelets. (See: baby chicks)
12. Set Up Another 401(K)
This time finally ask what the “K” stands for.
13. Cash Out the 401(K)
Those Hamilton lyrics come at you fast. Gotta see it one more time.
14. Get Yourself Eight Glasses of Wine at “Hamilton”
$17 a pop? La la la, I’m in the “Room Where It Happens”!
15. Speaking of Return on Investment, Buy a Puppy
Was it Suze Orman who said that buying a dog is the single best financial decision you can make in your life? Or did you just make that up because you’re lonely?
16. Make a Career Change and Become a “Momager” for Your Dog
Your dog books a gig, you keep 10 percent. #hustling.
17. Set Up a Weekly Blow-Out and Styling Appointment for Your Dog
Dress for the (dog) job you want!
18. Buy 3,000 Instagram Followers to Feel Fulfilled
Like Like Like.
19. Renovate Your Apartment for Maximum Feng Shui
One month before your lease is up? Your @land-lord will be kissing your feet. That reminds us, it’s the first of the month…
20. Venmo Your Rent on Time
Shoot—was it @Land-Lord or @Land_Lord?
21. Huh, @Land-Lord’s Venmo Profile Pic Is Actually Kinda Cute
Flirt with him by sending him some more money.
22. Meet Up with @Land-Lord at a Fancy Steakhouse
Have the most amazing time talking about Lin-Manuel Miranda and be completely and utterly shocked when he takes a call and never comes back and you’re left paying for his sirloin, not to mention the Uber surge pricing.
23. Buy 3,000 Instagram Followers to Feel Better
Like Like Like.
24. Buy 3,000 more
It’s not working.
25. Go to Your Really Expensive Gym to Burn Off Steam
Realize your $150/month silver-tier membership only gets you access to the locker room.
26. Dig Up Previously Buried Cash
It’s under Barneys, right?
27. Refinance Your Mortgage
Wait, you don’t have a mortgage, but you do love those late night commercials.
28. Set Up Another 401(K)
This time for a Roth. That sounds fancy!
29. Hmm, Your 401(K) Guy’s Kinda Cute—Ask Him on a Date
Let him know you’re Nigerian royalty.
30. Cash Out the 401(K)
Two tickets to Hamilton, please.
31. Learn from 401(K) Guy That “Dear Evan Hanson” Is the New “Hamilton”
Buy $6,013 worth of wine.
32. Find a Wallet and Light It on Fire
Add a drop of lavender essential oil for a calming effect.