Thank you sooo much for watching my pup this weekend. I know you’ve never watched a dog before, but it will be so much fun—I promise! I’ll dive right into the important stuff so you feel comfortable with my canine.
1. Take @UmamiThePom out for a walk first thing in the a.m. This will get her panting so her little tongue adorably sticks out, and it looks like she’s smiling in photos. (No tongue = No likes.)
2. Next, get dressed! The extra bedroom (aka Dave’s old home office) has been converted into Umami’s walk-in closet. Please avoid piggy, Tin Man, biker chick and Frida Kahlo outfits as they’ve all been featured on her recently. If she’s feeling casual, you can put her in a hoodie or even just a bandanna (#basic), but please, please, please avoid posting pics of her naked to the internet…it just makes me feel uncomfortable…and no one likes them.
3. Hate to be “that” mom, but I don’t want her watching TV on the couch all day. Please do something noteworthy or, even better, anthropomorphic, together. Have her pretend to drink your coffee wearing her “I take my coffee with more coffee” tee, hipster glasses and beanie. Or prop her up on my signed copy of Lean In wearing her “Pussy Power” shirt and holding a Women’s March sign. Or just put her in a pair of crampons and take her hiking. You get the idea!
4. If she’s being stubborn and won’t look at the camera, just yell “Mani pedi!” It’s hilarious how well it works. Dave always says it's demeaning, but he's such a party pooper.
5. The voice of the caption should be from Umami. Please don’t ruin her reputation by trying too hard with lame dog puns—pawty, pawtner, hooman. Seriously, just be cool.
6. Under ZERO circumstances should you drop character.
7. If someone DMs you, however, drop the third-person dog voice immediately. It's dumb. (Sorry if I’m telling you something obvious, just covering my bases.)
8. Please use all 30 hashtags Instagram allows. Make them all dog- or Pomeranian-related. Obviously do not hashtag #dog or #Pomeranian; this isn’t #RegularDogsofInstagram.
9. If you even think so much of posting outside the hours of 11 p.m. and 9 a.m. Eastern Standard Time, you can pack your bags and get out of my house.
10. Do. Not. Use. A. Filter. Please don't embarrass Umami and me by acting like it’s 2012.
11. Speaking of: No collages. We do swipe albums now. But also, don't do a swipe album. This isn't your vacation.
12. All the passwords for @UmamiThePom are on the fridge. (Please burn after you memorize them.)
13. Food on the counter. If she eats even one tiny morsel of onion, she’ll die.