What to Gift Every Person Who’s Wronged You This Year
Your therapist told you to “calm down and take the high road” after you showed her your “Black List.” But why put in the effort when you can embrace some good old-fashioned passive aggression? This season, get back at those who’ve wrong you by insulting them with a subtly pointed holiday gift. Will they notice you’re indirectly dissing them? That’s not the point. The point is that you get the last word.
A Flower Delivery Subscription
For: Your friend who didn’t ask you to be a bridesmaid
Sure, $148 may seem like a steep price for someone who doesn’t consider you a good enough friend to stand up at her wedding, but think of it this way: She’ll get a fresh, beautiful-smelling monthly reminder that she messed with the wrong person. So worth it. Toss that bouquet, Rhonda.
Urban Stems ($148)
A Journal They Can Take Anywhere
For: That dude who trolls your statuses
You have no idea how you actually know Rick P., but he won’t let up on your Facebook page. You write, “Best restaurants in Philly: Go!” He comments, “None.” You write, “Movie night! What should I see?” He comments, “Nothing good out.” Well, Rick-O, here’s a journal where you can keep all your complex thoughts to yourself from now on.
For: That girl from your sorority who pretended not to see you on the train
Just because she was hood up, head down in her book doesn’t mean she didn’t notice you. In fact, you know she did. You made eye contact for a split second. You even opened your mouth to say “Hi,” but she went back to her book. Jerk. Well, next time she wants to ignore the person who held her hair back while she puked all over the kiddie pool at Theta Chi, she can go incognito in these.
Warby Parker ($145)
A Classic Movie
For: Your co-worker who told you Get Out was not scary
It was. And now you haven’t been able to sleep for six straight months. Well, since Todd is such a movie aficionado, why not get him a DVD? This pick with an all-star cast got an impressive review from Roger Ebert, who in 1994 wrote, “I hated this movie. Hated hated hated hated hated this movie. Hated it.” Enjoy, Todd!
A Natural Air Purifier
For: The teen driver who sideswiped your car
Because you’re friendly with his mother, you chose not to file a claim and raise her insurance premiums (she’s also your boss). But just as you have to drive around in a forever-marked 2001 Honda Civic, the culprit will have to drive around with the reminder that, although you might have told him, “It’s just a scratch, no one died!” you will never, ever forgive him. Oh, and that you think his car is smelly. Got him.
A Smartly Designed Toilet Plunger and Caddy
For: Your next-door neighbor who thinks you’re the super and asks you to fix her toilet
Let Donna finally know that you live in 2B, are not the building super and you know what? She can plunge her own toilet, thank you very much. According to reviews, this baby is not only pretty for a plunger, but it’s extra strong, which is apparently just what Donna needs. Happy holidays!
Cute Boxing Gloves
For: Your therapist who insists that you channel your anger in a healthier way
Let us guess: Your therapist never had to come home to a note from her dog walker saying, “It was kinda cold in here, so I closed the window.” So yeah, she doesn’t understand what type of real-world savagery you’re actually dealing with. Let her work off steam how she wants to. You’ll stick with your favorite method; in fact, you’ll even continue paying for her service—that’s just how passive aggressive you can be.