31 Things You Should Never Give Out to Trick-or-Treaters
Don’t be *that* person
Remember trick-or-treating? Remember the euphoric sugar rush that came with reviewing the night’s spoils and reveling at your wealth of Almond Joys? Us, too. To ensure that today’s youth has the same spooky yet saccharine memories, do not give out any of these things to trick-or-treaters come October 31.
1. Candy that isn’t in a wrapper.
2. The case of coconut water you bought after reading that it’s Adriana Lima’s favorite drink but then tried it and realized that it’s murky, overpriced and barely palatable and decided that the potential payoff (looking like a Brazilian supermodel) isn’t worth it.
3. Old issues of Vogue (unless Beyoncé is on the cover).
4. Old assembly instructions from Ikea (unless they’re for a Dagstörp).
5. An immersion blender that you bought with the intention of giving molecular gastronomy a shot.
6. A half-eaten container of moo shoo pork that you ordered when the molecular gastronomy thing failed.
7. The HBO bill that you’re refusing to pay on principal*.
(*The second season of True Detective.)
8. A yards-long CVS receipt.
9. A signed Playbill from the original run of Spring Awakening.
10. Chip Clips.
11. Skincare samples.
12. The notebook from your college calculus class that almost prevented you from graduating.
13. A calculator.
14. Dead batteries that you’re holding on to because does anyone really know how to get rid of them?
15. 73 bobby pins.
16. Bacitracin that expired in 2004.
17. A bottle of glue that’s missing its top.
18. The remaining contents of your junk drawer that are now being held together by the contents of the aforementioned topless glue bottle.
19. A broken iPhone 4.
20. An iPhone 4 charger.
21. A strongly-worded letter you wrote but never sent to Apple complaining about how sleazy it is to change chargers all the time.
22. Just the handle part of a Swiffer duster.
23. An iPhone 5 charger.
24. A bottle of peroxide from that time you decided to go platinum because of all those cool girls on Instagram.
25. Bags of old clothes intended for Goodwill.
26. Business cards from your first job.
27. Business cards from your second job, even though they’re way cooler than the ones from your first job, even though your first job was better than your second job and you should really start up that job search again but ugh isn’t writing cover letters the worst?
28. Loose Tic Tacs.
29. The complete first season of Veronica Mars on DVD, minus the second disk because the sixth episode is too good to give away.
30. The quarter-finished manuscript you abandoned after realizing you were rewriting Catcher in the Rye, only bad.