10 NYC Neighbors That Drive You Nuts
And how to deal with them
It doesn’t matter how much square footage you have, how gorgeous your view is, how close you live to Whole Foods--every New Yorker is forced to deal with neighbors.
And they’re not always the most pleasant. (Looking at you, lady who cooks fish 365 freakin’ days a year.)
Don’t worry, dear apartment dweller. We’re always down to commiserate. These are the ten NYC neighbors you can’t get rid of but you can learn to deal with.
THE GUY WITH THE LOUD ALARM CLOCK
Even with earplugs, you can still hear the physical punching of his snooze button from 6:00 to 7:15 every morning.
How to deal: Bring over a thermos of cold brew and politely ask Snoozin’ Steve to move his clock to the opposite side of his bedroom…near the wall he shares with his other neighbors.
THE WOMAN WHO WON’T HOLD THE ELEVATOR
She doesn’t care that you’re juggling three bags of Greenmarket produce--she’s going upstairs to watch Real Housewives and you can’t stop her.
How to deal: Start carrying an umbrella with a really long handle so you can foil her plans from a distance. (This also works for subway doors.)
THE BOO RADLEY
You get the sneaking suspicion this guy is waiting for you to leave for work so he can search the hallway for strands of your hair.
How to deal: Take a self-defense course and always carry pepper spray. He’s probably harmless, but if things get weird, call the cops.
THE “IT’S 4:20 SOMEWHERE” BROS
It’s noon, and they’re, um, listening to Phish. It’s 6:00 p.m., and they’re, um, listening to Phish. It’s 2:00 a.m., and they’re, um, listening to Phish.
How to deal: Stuff some dryer sheets in the space under their front door. They’ll be too stoned to notice.
THE IRRITATINGLY PRODUCTIVE COUPLE
Their collective BMI is less than your age, they’ve been running since 4:30 a.m. and they’re on their way to get kale smoothies from Juice Generation.
How to deal: Don’t listen to the automatons--squeezing in a workout every few days is still something to be proud of. (If all else fails, we’re not not telling you to invite them over for poisoned carrot juice.)
THE RAMBLING MAN
He corners you for 45 minutes to talk about that time he saw a golden-crowned sparrow on the fire escape.
How to deal: Aww, the poor guy is probably lonely. Let him chat for a few minutes, and then explain that you have an important meeting. (You don’t need to tell him it’s an eyebrow-threading appointment.)
THE TAXIDERMY AND METALLICA FANATIC
You’ve gotten only a glimpse of his apartment from the hallway. It looks like the set of a horror movie, and you’re 90 percent sure there’s an illegal tattoo parlor by the kitchen.
How to deal: Avert your eyes and keep walking.
THE SELF-PROCLAIMED BESTIE
Between the hourly texts, late-night pop-ins and way-too-early-in-the-friendship requests to be her maid of honor, this neighbor is perhaps the most annoying and dangerous of all.
How to deal: Tell her, “We have to break up. I’m sorry. It’s not you. It’s me.” Don’t worry, she’ll find a new BAE by the end of the week.
THE ANTISOCIAL (EVEN FOR NYC) WOMAN
On the rare occasions you see her in the lobby, she barely acknowledges you. Her apartment is so quiet, you sometimes wonder if she’s on a monthlong vacation.
How to deal: Congratulations! You have the best neighbor in New York City. The bad news? She thinks you’re the crazy one.