Being a mom is hard, ladies, and we could never reduce the experiences to pat generalizations and archetypes. Or…could we? Presenting 18 types of moms—from the Cool Mom to the Wine Mom to the let-me-tell-you-about-my-MLM Mom. You know ‘em. You love ‘em. Maybe you are ‘em.
18 Types of Moms You Definitely Know (and Probably Avoid in the School Pickup Line)
1. Helicopter Mom
She hovers, she circles and she swoops in to prevent any perceived danger for her child.
- Spotted in the wild: Underneath the monkey bars with a crash mat screaming “Be careful, Phoenix!”
2. Craft Mom
Wait, you buy your own dishwasher pods? Craft Mom makes them and turns it into a fun (!) art project with the kiddos (and stores them on the counter in a jar she wove from bamboo grown in her yard).
- Spotted in the wild: Judging your child’s store-bought Minions Halloween costume
3. Cool Mom
She will NOT fall into the frizzy-haired, dancing to Encanto trappings of motherhood! Nope, she’s still rocking a leather jacket and meeting her child-free friends to see punk rock shows in somebody’s basement.
- Spotted in the wild: Anywhere with exposed brick, after 10 p.m.
4. Crunchy Mom
It’s not that Crunchy Mom doesn’t trust her pediatrician, it’s just that she read about this really powerful Himalayan ginger tea that she’d like to try for her kid’s ear infection first.
- Spotted in the wild: Leading a forest school, in Tevas.
5. Gentle Parent Mom
She talks slowly, deliberately and with compassion, getting down on one knee and looking her child in the eye. “Oh, you were angry at your brother and so you hit him with the toaster oven? I understand. Sometimes moms get angry too!”
- Spotted in the wild: At a Dr. Becky Masterclass.
6. Free-Range Mom
The opposite of the Helicopter Mom, Free-Range Mom believes kids should have independence and room to make mistakes, even if that means giving her 3-year-old a watermelon and a chef’s knife and letting him go to town.
- Spotted in the wild: At the E.R., after giving her 3-year-old a watermelon and a chef’s knife and letting him go to town.
7. Attachment Mom
She breastfed until her kids were old enough to read the label on her bra and has never spent more than 16 hours away from any of them. She’s absolutely intending to move Charlie to his own room by the time he turns 9.
- Spotted in the wild: In the family bed, singing Sarah McLachlan.
8. Lululemon Mom
She hasn’t worn a button or zipper since 2015, and usually travels in groups of three, Hydroflask in hand and with some seriously hot gos about the new assistant principal.
- Spotted in the wild: Paying $70/kid for a birthday party at SkyZone.
9. Snowplow Mom
A close relative of the Helicopter, the Snowplow doesn’t just hover and fret, she literally clears obstacles for her children—be those dangerous bookshelves (that aren’t secured to the wall!) or homework assignments Sophie couldn’t possibly finish on time. (Mom’ll just email the teacher and ask for an extension.)
- Spotted in the wild: Spewing four-letter words at the unsuspecting chess coach.
10. Traveling Sports Mom
Her trunk is full of hockey sticks and shin guards and she put 10,000 miles on her RAV4 this year driving to and from soccer tournaments. Never mind that her child is 10 and still sometimes runs towards the wrong goal; she’s fairly certain he’ll soon be recruited for the Saints.
- Spotted in the wild: At a Marriot in Tulsa, line-drying baseball socks.
11. PTA Mom
If she’s not organizing a bake sale, she’s advocating for more turtle books for the library, to go with that turtle unit she fought so hard for last year. Oh and she’d really love it if you just considered running for that open treasurer position.
- Spotted in the wild: 14 times in your inbox, begging for Turtle Day volunteers.
12. Wine Mom
It’s not alcoholism if you’re wearing a “rosé all day” shirt, right?
- Spotted in the wild: Asleep at the foot of the sofa, with RHONY blaring in the background.
13. Weed Mom
Kid up all night? Mother-in-law show up for an unexpected two-week visit? Not a problem, man. Weed Mom is totallllly blissed out and up for whatever (and she’d be happy to introduce you to her guy).
- Spotted in the wild: In the park. Because aren’t leaves, like, amazing?
14. French Mom
She may or may not be of actual French descent (the accent in her name appeared some time in the early aughts), but the fact remains: Her kids eat oysters, wear Jacadi and prefer Babar to P.J. Masks
- Spotted in the wild: Teaching little Elodie the rules of pétanque.
15. I’m-So-Bad Mom
Guys, did you know her kids don’t have bedtimes? And they also watch eight hours of TV a day and don’t ever change their underpants or eat anything that’s not a processed sugar! She’s sooooooo bad, and she wants you to know it!
- Spotted in the wild: Promoting her podcast, “Fuck it, They’re Resilient.”
16. Influencer Mom
She has 25K followers, but she really thinks she can get it to 30 this month if Ashton will just learn the goddamn Shake Senora dance already.
- Spotted in the wild: Shilling for Martin’s Potato Bread, without whom she couldn’t get through all the tough days of mommy’ing.
17. MLM Mom
“Hi friend-I-haven’t-talked-to-since-high-school! Have you tried essential oils for better sleep? They work! Here’s an invite to my LuLaRoe party!”
- Spotted in the wild: Marching outside a Brooklyn courthouse in support of Keith Raniere.
18. Frazzled Mom
She has four Legos, one half-eaten orange, but no wallet in her purse, and her child is wearing a Spiderman costume as pants because she has to do laundry.
- Spotted in the wild: IN THE MIRROR. (Mic drop.)