The first trimester was hard. The second trimester was less hard (but chubbier! So much chubbier). Now you’re in the home stretch. Good thing you’re thinking about the important stuff…and not just all the ways you are going to make love to that turkey sandwich in the delivery room. Here, 23 things going through every woman’s head during the third trimester.
1. That, OMFG, how is the human gestation period 40 weeks? You could complete a military deployment in less than 40 weeks. You could walk across the continental U.S. in less than 40 weeks.
2. But—silver lining—at least you can finally fit into maternity clothes without just looking like you ate too many hamburgers.
3. Related: That you can no longer eat more than a quarter of a hamburger without suffering at the altar of the heartburn gods.
4. That, funny story, the baby actually loves to sleep during the day and kick at night. (Hilarious!)
5. But that, between your pee-sized bladder, the cantaloupe-sized thing pressing on your pee-sized bladder and all the time you lie awake worrying about daycare costs/car seat installation/SIDS, you’re not really sleeping anyway.
6. That your idiot spouse takes up way more than half the bed.
7. That 50 percent of marriages end in divorce.
8. But that you should probably go ahead and forgive Brian and his giant snoring lump of a body because it takes two people to put together a crib and you don’t know how to use an Allen wrench anyway.
9. That wait how have you not already put together the crib and what if the baby comes tomorrow, WHERE WILL IT SLEEP??
10. That you miss wine.
11. That, oh screw it, the brain is mostly developed.
12. That you are equal parts excited for meeting your baby and taking your first postnatal bite of delicious Italian sub.
13. That Googling “best Italian sub near Presbyterian hospital” is way more fun than Googling “How to swaddle” or “crowning” or “mucus plug.”
14. That your entire house is filled with soft, white blankets and weird tubing thingies you have no idea how to use, and your sister’s friend’s cousin once forgot to sanitize her pump parts and the baby almost died.
15. But that people way stupider than you have successfully had children. (Right? RIGHT?)
16. That what if the mucus plug falls out and you don’t notice because you’re too busy installing the car seat?
17. That if BRIAN had one shred of decency he would get out of bed and install the f*cking car seat himself right now.
18. That you have never once used the pregnancy meditation app you downloaded four months ago.
19. That you’re still not 100 percent on a baby name, but gosh you REALLY hope your near and dear will continue to send all their suggestions and opinions and the list of ones they hate hate hate.
20. That in the meantime, you and Brian will just be here not packing your hospital bag because you kind of can’t get started until those “cool” maternity tops arrive from Amazon.
21. That whoops you forgot to hit “place order” on Amazon.
22. That whoops you have no idea what a contraction is supposed to feel like.
23. That it’s Genos. Genos has the best Italian sub within 1 mile of Presbyterian hospital.