One of the more vivid memories from my childhood is my dad saying clearly and concretely: “I can handle any conversation…as long as you don’t whine.” Flash forward to my current role as a parent of a preschooler and, oh wow, I get it.
Upon further research, the choice our kids make to whine is actually quite fascinating. A recent piece in the New York Times explains it as a kid behavior so common, it’s universal across cultures and a mechanism kids deploy to get the attention of their parents…fast. Research also demonstrates that, as far as vocalization options go, it’s the most annoying choice made by our kids. A study published by the American Psychological Association found that participants forced to listen to whining made more mistakes and were less productive; they also found it way more distracting than the sound of a typical infant cry.
So, what’s the calmest way to get it to stop the minute it starts? On a recent episode of the podcast Raising Good Humans, hosted by Dr. Aliza Pressman, developmental psychologist and co-founder of the Mount Sinai Parenting Center, she says the first step is to take a deep breath.
“Whining isn’t harmful, it’s just annoying,” Dr. Pressman says. Her advice is to pause, breathe, then get down on eye level [with your child] and say: “I really want to understand what you’re trying to say, but it’s hard for me to understand when you’re whining. Can you try that again in your real voice?”