20 Times I’ve Learned It’s Not OK to Compare My Dog to Your Child

When you tell me you’re thinking of having a baby, and my knee-jerk reaction is: Adopt Don’t Shop.

When you invite me to hold the baby for the first time, and I’m like, wait…did it have its shots?

When you’re espousing the dangers of co-sleeping with your baby, and I’m like, honey, I would never be so cruel not to let her sleep with me.

When you’re traumatized over your baby’s cold, and I’m like, OK, but at least she didn’t need a full hysterectomy at three months!

When you’re beaming that your nine-month-old said her first word, and I’m like, awkward…my eight-week-old already knows “sit,” “down” and “roll over.”

When you’re proud that your kid can walk, and I’m like…uh, mine’s been walking since I met her.

When you’re giddy that your kid learned to read early, and I’m like, yeah, well can she attack prey and protect your home from intruders?

When you’re rattled that the nanny quit out of nowhere and I give you my dog walker’s number.

When you’re stressed you forgot to order more diapers, and I’m like, you gotta housetrain that thing!

When you worry that your kid won’t grow out of their temper tantrums, and I’m like, just slice up some hot dog, keep it in your pockets and she’ll do anything you say.

When you’re embarrassed the school counselor suggested using a child leash when you’re in public spaces, and I forward you a list of my favorite off-leash parks.

When you’re upset the district voted to zone the riverfront property for an expansive, glorious dog park instead of a dynamic children’s park, and I’m like “dogs are children, too!!!”

When you freak out about how much braces cost, and I’m like, same.

When you’re concerned your kid’s not fitting in with the clique at school, and I’m like, those girls have nothing on Potato, Turnip and Parsley.

When you complain about saving for college, and I show you the bill for monthly raw, rare-protein, small-batch food shipments.

When you’re monitoring your kid’s Instagram account, and I’m like, I just do the whole damn thing for them.

When you’re fumbling over your sex-ed speech, and I’m like, you want to scare them out of it? Take ’em to the dog park.

When you invite me to the high school musical and I’m like, if you come to the Halloween Costume Dog Parade, we’re even.

When you catch your teen rummaging through the liquor cabinet, and I’m like, at least it wasn’t the trashcan.

When you’re devastated your kid is leaving the nest, and I’m like…I have an idea.