20 New Year’s Resolutions That Only New Yorkers Would Make
Another year, another opportunity to finally train for that marathon or give up social media. Just kidding—we’re sticking to these only-in-NYC resolutions that anyone outside the city would find completely laughable. Baby steps, right?
1. Cut down your Seamless/Caviar/Postmates orders to just three times a week. You can do it.
2. And stop spending your entire paycheck on $14 Sweetgreen salads. You’re not a millionaire.
3. Start wearing a seatbelt in the back of cabs. (Seriously, They’re not golf carts.)
4. Finally get a driver’s license…at the tender age of 31.
5. Quit blaming your chronic lateness on “the subway.” Your friends are wising up to the fact that the F train isn’t that much of a mess.
6. Stop letting every relative, acquaintance and former classmate from out of town use your apartment as a hotel. (Actually, this one might be easy to keep.)
7. Get rid of those shoes that always give you blisters. Four months is not a standard break-in period.
8. Stop feeling guilty when you cancel on your boyfriend’s coworker’s fiancé’s roommate’s birthday dinner. We promise: No one will care.
9. Finally accept that going to Trader Joe’s at 7 p.m. on Sunday is never a good idea.
10. Make an attempt to learn your neighbors’ names. OK, one neighbor. Fine, at least stop hiding when you hear someone coming in the stairwell.
11. Stop accumulating crappy bodega umbrellas and get a good one that will last. (And then remember to actually take it with you.)
12. Manhattanites: Admit that your neighborhood is not always “on the way” for your Brooklyn/Queens/Jersey City friends and cross a river once in a while.
13. Sorry, but you don’t actually need a daily $4.50 cortado from La Colombe. Learn to make a decent cup at home, at least most day. OK, at least one day a week.
14. Pledge not to walk around while listening to a podcast and scrolling through your phone. This is why you walked into a mailbox that one time.
15. Try not to get irritated when relatives come to visit and walk at an ungodly slow pace. (Try really, really hard.)
16. Quit acting surprised/outraged when there’s a two-hour wait at Olmsted. It comes with the territory, people.
17. Likewise, you can stop gasping in shock when your out-of-town friends tell you how little they pay in rent. Just nod, smile and remember they can’t get a freshly baked bagel at 1 a.m.
18. Realize that spending $300 at a Theory sample sale isn’t technically “saving” money.
19. And that eyelash extensions/gel manicures/blowouts aren’t really a cost-of-living expense. (Sorry.)
20. Or hey, give up on resolutions entirely. You’re a New Yorker—you don’t have time for that nonsense.