20 Lessons Every New Yorker Inevitably Learns the Hard Way
This city is nothing if not transformative: It toughens you up, bombards you with culture and, OK, maybe makes you the tiniest bit impatient. But not before you make these mistakes.
1. Dollar pizza seems too good to be true…because it is. ($3 pizza is totally legit, though.)
2. Wearing sandals when you’re out and about all day is fun—until you catch sight of the blackened nightmare that is the bottom of your feet.
3. Flowy dress + subway grate = everyone on Sixth Avenue seeing your undies.
4. Nobody ever genuinely wants to know where you got your hair done. (Scam us into an overpriced haircut once, shame on you. Scam us twice, never cutting our hair again.)
5. The one time you’re rushing to catch a flight and decide to “save time” by opting for a cab over the subway, there will be horrendous traffic on the BQE.
6. You know that one friend you keep saying you’ll meet up with, who lives on the other side of the city—90 minutes and three transfers away? Yeah, it’s never gonna happen. RIP, friendship.
7. Never buy a gallon of…well, anything from the bodega. (Good luck winning the race against the expiration date.)
8. And the “wine” at bodegas and grocery stores is…well, it’s not wine.
9. FOMO is just a way of life here. You still haven’t seen Hamilton and everyone’s already moved on to Dear Evan Hansen.
10. That puddle-splash situation in the Sex and the City opening credits? It’s not just a cute scenario for the theme song. It will happen, and it will be super gross.
11. Another lie perpetuated by Carrie Bradshaw: That running (literally, running) around all day in heels doesn’t end in blisters, pain and tears.
12. You’ll realize that you’re OK with living in a tiny shoe box with almost zero natural light…if it has a dishwasher.
13. Your apartment will become a hotel. Meaning distant cousins, someone you sat next to in tenth-grade English and at least one ex will ask if they can crash on your couch. All. The. Time.
14. Everywhere else, moving in together is a big deal in a relationship. In NYC, it just means both your leases were up at the same time.
15. Being pregnant, wearing a cast or carrying five Trader Joe’s bags, sadly, does not guarantee you a seat on the subway.
16. Do not put any stock in the spatial awareness of the “It’s showtime!” kids—you’ll end up with a black eye.
17. You will buy new socks and underwear on a bimonthly basis if it means you can avoid lugging your laundry down and up five flights of stairs.
18. Missing a FedEx delivery means you’ll lose a month of your life trying to track down that goddamn package. (Which is why you subsequently get everything delivered to the bagel shop downstairs.)
19. “I’ll just stop at home quickly to change!” is never not going to be a lie. Once you schlep all the way back there, there’s no way you’re putting on anything other than sweats—so you better be happy with whatever outfit you put on at 8 a.m.
20. Avoid the empty subway car at all costs.