19 Lessons Every Chicagoan Learns the Hard Way
This is a city that will leave you a little wiser. Chiberia alone will toughen you up. But let’s not forget these 19 life lessons, either.
1. There are two seasons in Chicago: winter and construction.
2. First day of June, baseball season in full swing, but...don’t be fooled. Warm weather comes when it feels like it.
3. And yeah, sometimes it might just feel like a 30-degree drop in one day hour—especially on the day you wear your flimsiest sundress.
4. And then when summer’s finally here, it’s more like a full-time job. Get ready for a festival/parade/block party every Saturday and Sunday between Memorial and Labor Day. Hey, that’s what happens when it’s winter 75 percent of the year.
5. Enjoy your freshly paved street; it will be riddled with potholes once the snow melts.
6. Yes, there is a pizza more intense than deep dish. It’s called stuffed deep dish. Bring a Tums.
7. And there is no overdraft protection at the Sprinkles cupcake ATM.
8. Take a book with you to Big Star. There’s a 2.5-hour wait to sit outside and there always will be.
9. And the “celebrity” who budged you in line was just your local news anchor (because, hey, they're really the only stars around).
10. That two-bed, two-bath apartment is such a great deal because you’re basically on the “L” tracks.
11. You spend a fortune to get into all the swankiest rooftop bars only to realize on the way home that the best view in the city is the Brown line as it passes over the river.
12. The seat you snagged on the Brown line at rush hour? You’re actually on the Purple Express to Linden.
13. Oh, and that empty “L” car? It’s empty for a reason.
14. And that totally sweet parking spot you scored? Street cleaning.
15. The one time you’re rushing to a flight and splurge on a cab to save time there will be bumper-to-bumper traffic.
16. Call yourself a “Chicago fan” and you’re bound to lose some friends—it means you can’t decide between the Cubs or the White Sox. #fatalflaw
17. You know that one friend who lives on the other side of the city, two trains and a bus ride away? Yeah, it’s never gonna happen. You can still be Facebook friends, though.
18. Doesn’t matter: She's probably moving to L.A. or New York.
19. When the Tamale Guy shows up, it’s time to go home.