All the Thoughts You Have While Watching “The Bachelorette”
This is a train wreck and yet we cannot...look...away
Mondays are the worst. That is, until you settle into the couch, pour yourself a few glasses of Cab Sauv and tune into Season 12 of ABC’s “The Bachelorette,” starring the confusing and frustrating yet wholly entertaining JoJo Fletcher. Here, 31 thoughts that go through our (and probably your) minds while we watch a bunch of hot dudes duke it out for her heart...or try to become famous by acting like morons. Either or.
1. What a surprise: The opening scene consists of JoJo walking around in a sequin dress.
2. She sorta looks like she’s starring in a really sad music video.
3. But seriously, why is she always looking deep in thought from a balcony?
4. If she brings up how she told Ben she loved him and then he didn’t pick her one more time, so help me God.
5. I wonder who actually owns the mansion.
6. How much does it cost to buy?
7. Is $7 million reasonable for 9,000 square feet?
8. Did they build it just for this show?
9. I would totally move to Agoura Hills, California, for that house though.
10. How’s that one dude’s profession just a “hipster”?
11. Is that guy actually only 23 years old? I could be his mom.
12. His hair swoop probably takes more time than my entire morning routine.
13. Chad reminds me of a really obnoxious guy from my college football team.
14. Did he seriously just call her “naggy” on the first date?
15. If I had a dollar for every time Chad mentioned protein shakes, I’d be rich.
16. And now he’s doing pull-ups with a suitcase full of protein powder strapped to his waist. #HusbandMaterial
17. These guys’ testosterone levels are through the roof.
18. I guess living in a mansion with a dozen other men will do that to you.
19. That actually explains why I tried to avoid frat parties in college…
20. Ugh, these guys are totally going to have a fist fight just for the PR.
21. I wonder who plans all those elaborate dates.
22. Ooo, Professional Date Planning actually sounds like an awesome job.
23. A private jet to San Fran? Add that to the list of things I’ll never waste money on.
24. A picnic with just wine? What kind of cruel, sick joke is that?
25. Why do they never show people eating on this show?
26. She’s kissed ten men in two days…but I’ve kissed my dog like 15 times this hour so it’s basically the same thing.
27. I wonder if the ABC producers JoJo already knows who she’s going to pick.
28. I refuse to watch next week’s episode if Chad gets a rose.
29. OMG WHY DID SHE KEEP CHAD? HE’S LITERALLY THE WORST.
30. Guess I’ll still watch only to make fun of him.
31. Chris Harrison should just be the next bachelor.