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Purples. Grays. DNA websites. Vitamin cubes. Stew (or should we say…Stuuuuuu?!). The premiere of American Horror Story: Apocalypse had us terrified (and also, envious of the Antichrist’s glossy mane…). Here, our six favorite theories about season eight so far (and one we think is definitely going to come true).

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FX

Theory 1: It was all a dream

According to creator Ryan Murphy via Entertainment Weekly, there’s going to be “a huge thing that happens in episode five.” We have two guesses for what that is: One, that it’s revealed the Apocalypse is just a dream, or vision, from Cordelia Goode (Sarah Paulson) since she has the gift of sight. Once Cordelia sees what could happen, she and the rest of the Coven witches will have to fix things in the present so the doomsday from episode one never occurs.

Our other guess is that the witches, who can time travel, go back in time to stop the doomsday from occurring, basically rewriting history. The time jump would occur in episode five and could go back to 2015, which is when we may see the Murder House from season one again. (Apocalypse takes place five years later, in 2020.)

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FX

Theory 2: Safe House/Outpost 3 Is the Murder House from Season 1

This one’s been thrown around quite a bit for the simplistic way it relates season one to season three. Basically, the safe house that Venable calls “outpost three” (where the majority of the Apocalypse premiere episode took place) was hidden below ground (by the Coven witches aka “the Cooperative”? We’re not sure who the Co-Op is yet) after it became the Harmon family’s Murder House from season one. Since the Murder House season takes place in L.A. five years before this season, that means the plane leaving from Santa Monica and carrying Joan Collins, Evan Peters, Billie Lourd and Leslie Grossman didn’t get very far…(Makes sense since there was no pilot, TBH).

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FX

Theory 3: Michael Langdon Is Both the Antichrist and a Supreme

At the end of episode one, we see Cody Ferns Michael Langdon (born of ghost Tate Langdon and Vivien Harmon in Murder House) show up at outpost three in all his luscious-locked glory (seriously, we need that devil’s shampoo recos stat). He says there’s a safer outpost that he’s going to take a lucky few of the purples to, and we realized he kind of scares the living sh*t out of Paulson’s Venable and Kathy Bates’s Miriam Mead. Is that because he’s also a Supreme? If the Antichrist Langdon also has witchy powers, he’d be the most unstoppable evil force…ever.

Another clue that he has magical powers in addition to being the devil: At the end of Murder House, fans may remember Jessica Lange’s Constance Langdon lying to folks and telling them she adopted little Michael from her distant relatives, the DeLongpres. Since Mimi DeLongpre was a former Supreme of the Coven, it may be in Michael’s blood, which means he could be a warlock Supreme by birth…making him basically unstoppable.

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Wikimedia Commons

Theory 4: The Four Horsemen Are Coming

With biblical-sounding themes like apocalypse, Antichrist, satan, etc., it’s very plausible Ryan Murphy’s interpretation of the end of the world is parallel to the Book of Revelation from the New Testament of the Bible. In the Book of Revelation, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are interpreted to symbolize war, famine, death and conquest, and they bring about the Last Judgment. So who might these Four Horsemen be? Well, one might actually be the Antichrist (so Michael Langdon is def in the running). Could Madison Montgomery be one of the harbingers of doom as well? She’d probably have something b*tchy to say about it, that’s for sure…

RELATED: ‘American Horror Story’ Is Quietly Releasing ‘Apocalypse’ Posters (and They May Be the Creepiest Yet)

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Theory 5: The Coven Is the Cooperative

Fans on Twitter have taken to this one like (fake) radiation contamination on…Stu (sorry, Stu). What if this mysterious Cooperative everyone’s saying is controlling the outposts are actually the Coven witches? Does that mean they’re in cahoots with the Antichrist aka Langdon? And what if Joan Collins (!) is actually a Supreme planted in the outpost to spy on Venable for the Cooperative?! Pleaseeee, Ryan Murphy, give us a witchy Collins. We. Need. This.

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FX

Theory 6 (and the one we think is true): It’s a Giant Ruse

We know Venable and Miriam Mead have been shooting people at outpost three just for kicks when they meet in private after killing (and cooking up) Stu and reveal that it was all fake. “It’s strangely satisfying, isn’t it? Dispensing punishment,” Paulson’s Venable muses. So they basically make it up as they go and terrorize people for the sake of evil, which leads us to believe the whole thing is actually one giant ploy. Maybe there was no apocalypse after all. We mean, did anyone actually see the bombs? 

And we already know Murphy’s no stranger to plot twists. The same cinematic trick was pulled in Roanoke’s season, when it was revealed it was a reality show (My Roanoke Nightmare) within a show within another show. Maybe the apocalypse is made up. Why? We’re unsure…but it seems Venable knows way more than she’s telling us.

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