Hey, bro, we’re from Southern California and we don’t talk like this. We’re not all surfers, nor are we all obsessed with movie stars. (Though, fine, some of us are.) But we are pretty sure we live in the best place ever. Here’s a quick rundown of some stuff that separates the locals from the tourists.

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1. A whole year might go by without us venturing to the beach.

2. Then another year we might actually go to the beach…but never get in the water.

3. And we’d tell you where our secret beach is, but then we’d have to marry you.

4. Puffy-coat weather is 45 degrees.

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5. Dressing up just means adding heels.

6. At any given time, you can find a hoodie, flip-flops, bottled water and (shut up) a yoga mat in the trunk of our car.

7. Driving a quarter of a mile or five miles can both take 30 minutes.

8. Highways start with “the.”

9. We never go to the DMV without an appointment.

10. “I might lose you. I’m driving through the canyon.”

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11. Hiking is the new golfing, where friendships are formed and deals made.

12. We’re pretty sure our neighbors are monitoring our sprinkler use.

13. Tesla is the new Mercedes.

14. And forget Hollywood--Silicon Beach is the new professional hot spot. Smaller breasts. Bigger valuations.

15. We never go to the movies in January, since we obviously have friends in the Academy who pass along screeners.

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16. In other parts of the country, people dream of guest rooms. We dream of guest houses.

17. Five words: The Long Beach flea market.

18. Hanging something heavy on the wall above the bed is playing Russian roulette, tectonically speaking.

19. We accept that, if we have a friend who moves across town, we’ll only see her once a year. After rescheduling twice.

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20. Swing dancing spots may be getting priced out of the area. But hello, $8 blended coffee drinks on every block!

21. And hello, $12 bottles of juice! (Sure, they seem expensive, but lots of non-fertilizer-enhanced veggies gave their life for our intestinal disquiet.)

22. It's perfectly normal to mull over Korean, Thai, vegan, Italian and Mexican takeout--but then just smear your leftover avocados on literally anything else in your fridge.

23. We’re fans of milk that tastes like cereal, rice that tastes like lemons and kombucha that tastes like sh*t.

24. Even our dogs eat organic.

25. We secretly cave on fast food. But only admit to In-N-Out’s protein style.

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26. Joan Didion is our patron saint.

27. And Jerry Brown is our cranky uncle.

28. All Things Considered is a sacrament.

29. And podcasts are a job.

30. We're obsessed with the Clippers, the Kings, the Dodgers and, soon, maybe the Rams and the Chargers.

31. When someone brings up the latest New York versus Los Angeles trend piece, we just smile.

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