The 12 Worst New Yorkers at Whole Foods
Navigating Whole Foods on a busy Sunday is an undertaking anywhere, but there’s a very special kind of crazy that happens when hundreds of New Yorkers try to buy heirloom tomatoes at the same time. Yep, it takes the skill of a Jedi, the patience of Mother Teresa and the agility of an Olympic ice dancer to survive a store this crowded. Are you up for the challenge? Here are the 12 most annoying people you’ll meet on your journey. May the Force be with you.
THE OVERSCHEDULED TODDLER
It’s 11 a.m. and she’s already been to dance lessons, a sous-vide cooking class and her physics-for-babies course. No wonder she’s having a meltdown on the floor of the produce section.
THE DOGGY MOMMY
Oh great, smuggle your Maltese into Whole Foods and get dog hair all over the cheese samples. Thanks a lot, lady.
Just when you’re about to make your move for a box of gluten-free breakfast burritos, the Shover elbows you out of the way to inspect the cheeseless pizzas. Relax! We all want to get out of here so we can watch 30 Rock reruns.
THE CLUELESS DUDE
Has this guy ever been grocery shopping before? He has to call his girlfriend (or boyfriend) about every purchase. Yes, there are 23 different kinds of salt here. Maldon, Himalayan pink, Indian black--just pick one and move.
THE LINE HOPPER
You’re just about to order two lobsters from the seafood counter when this lady butts in to play a game of “20 Questions About Chilean Sea Bass” with the fishmonger.
THE GROCERY GHOST
Much like the laundry room ghost, the grocery ghost leaves shopping carts full of food around the store, turning the whole damn place into a giant obstacle course.
THE AISLE HOG
Every bag of crystallized ginger is 12 ounces. They’re all the same, OK?
This guy is a human blue-corn-chip-and-salsa detector, and he came to get a free lunch, not grocery shop. Watch out, Grazer--we think those cheese cubes have dog hair on them.
THE GLUTEN-FREE VEGAN
Dear vegans: Please stop buying so much produce and making us feel bad for the Chubby Hubby ice cream that, uh, accidentally fell into our cart.
Yes. We know it’s crowded. It’s a Whole Foods in Columbus Circle. Get over it.
THE TOURISTS FROM DULUTH
While they’re milling around and people-watching like it’s Disney World, we’re actually trying to shop for the week.
Wait! We’ll shop for fair-trade coffee with you anytime, Ryan. We’ll just be really, really nonchalant about it (even though we’re freaking out on the inside). You know what? Going to Whole Foods isn’t so bad after all.