The 11 Worst People in Penn Station
And they’re all getting on Amtrak with you
You know what? We’ve got no beef with Penn Station. It’s big, it’s near a bunch of subway lines and it has a Krispy Kreme.
No, it’s the people we have a problem with--the sweaty, shovey people who don’t seem to know how to use deodorant and have never heard the words “personal space.” And during the holidays, there are way, way, wayyyyy too many of them.
Here are the 11 worst people you’ll encounter on your journey. Don’t worry: There’s turkey and stuffing at the finish line.
THE LINE HOPPER
He joins the line right behind the ticket window, conveniently ignoring the endless queue stretching around the perimeter of the station. Yep, everyone but you was just waiting here for fun.
THE BAG LEAVER
She’s just going to quickly run to the bathroom, and oh, could you watch her purse for a second? And her suitcase? And these three heavy grocery bags? No. The answer is always no.
THE JULIA CHILD
Even though she’s going to her Aunt Millie’s for Thanksgiving, she insists on bringing her Crock-Pot, Bundt pan and three warming trays on the train with her. Ain’t nobody got room for that.
Yes dude, we’re all aware it’s very crowded. No dude, pushing everyone out of the way isn’t going to do anything (except make the station seem even smaller).
Tons of attractive gals in ankle boots are all crammed together trying to get home for Thanksgiving. But this is the line at Penn Station, not Little Branch.
To her grandma from Duluth, an exhaustive cell phone play-by-play of how long the line is, how hard it was to get to Penn Station and the best type of cranberry sauce (the canned kind with ridges!) is super entertaining. For everyone else in line, it’s super annoying.
Yep, it’s Penn Station on the busiest travel day of the year. It’s crowded. Get over it.
A close cousin of the Complainer, the Grumbler takes the more passive-aggressive approach, expressing her displeasure with a variety of sighs, groans and harrumphs. If you end up behind her, you might want to put on a podcast.
THE KID HAVING A MELTDOWN
OK, normally we don’t advocate pacifying your child with an iPad, but…please pacify your child with an iPad.
THE TOURISTS FROM TOPEKA
They’re visiting the big city for the week and wanted to check out Penn Station because they heard it has a really cool ceiling. Good luck cabbing it across town, guys.
KATIE HOLMES IN AN EVENING GOWN
Um, WTF are you doing getting on New Jersey Transit in an evening gown, Katie Holmes? That’s it: We’re ditching our family and going to your Thanksgiving dinner instead.