Over Thanksgiving, we armed you with plenty of snippy answers to irritating relatives’ questions. But now, the Christmukkah holidays are upon us, and with them come even more annoying meddling. Here, a few additional ways to shut up your near and dear:
Aunt Margaret asks: Is it true you decided not to baptize Theo?
You answer: Yup! We just stuck with a light pagan goat ritual and some casual Michael Jackson-style balcony dangling.
Your grandmother asks: It’s been four years for you and Peter... Do I hear wedding bells?
You answer: No, no. That’s just your tinnitus acting up again!
Uncle Bob asks: Business school? What the heck do they teach in business school?
You answer: How to get out of irritating conversations. (While smiling politely and walking toward the kitchen.)
Your sister asks: Can I have your Tibi dress? It’s never going to fit you again anyway.
You answer: Yeah, but it’s never going to go with your over-plucked eyebrows, so I think we should just donate it to charity.
Your four-year-old nephew asks: Is there a baby in your belly? Mommy says there’s a baby in your belly. (There is no baby in your belly.)
You answer: No sweetie. But go ask your mother about her mortgage default. She’ll be happy to tell you about that.