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30 Rules for Spreading
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1
Any present placed under the tree shall be sized up, shaken and discerned for its similarity to an Apple Watch no fewer than three times per day.
2
A shot of hooch makes any drink better. (Even OJ.)
3
If a houseguest turns off the 24-hour Christmas Story TBS marathon, she shall be shamed until December 27th, at the earliest.
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How to survive the office cookie swap: Carry a mug of Tetley tea and sip instead of nibble.
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4
Thou shalt not disparage thy brother-in-law’s start-up.
5
Don’t fill up on chestnuts. Seriously, don’t fill up on chestnuts.
6
Thou shalt not mock thy sister’s snowflake earrings.
7
Don’t ask Aunt Gladys if her latkes are gluten-free.
8
You shall pass no judgment on holiday cards postmarked January 3rd.
9
Stop trying to make that dreidel party happen.
10
Humming the Home Alone theme song counts as caroling.
11
Honor thy mother and her boxed mashed potatoes.
12
Thou shalt politely demur when asked, “When’s the wedding? Aren’t you 34 this year?”
13
It’s within your rights to know every word of Love Actually.
14
Never be the asshat doing work on Christmas morning.
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A pot of Tetley tea mulling with cloves, cinnamon and allspice is worlds better than a Yankee Candle.
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15
You have permission to regift the Tahitian Vanilla Yankee Candle.
16
There’s no shame in re-wearing your 2014 New Year’s glasses.
17
It’s OK to look forward to the high school reunion at O’Shea’s.
18
It’s OK to skip the high school reunion at O’Shea’s.
19
Blessed be she who endures Cousin Thelma’s sixth story about cataract surgery.
20
On New Year’s Eve, you must swear on your grave that you stayed up past 9 p.m.
21
You must welcome the following at your table: one heavily pierced new boyfriend, two opinionated drunkards, three screaming infants with ear infections.
22
It’s OK to do the second, third and fourth nights of Hanukkah all at one time.
23
Things that just don’t matter: matching guest towels, making your own crust, knowing who did and didn’t go to Mass.
24
Tickets to The Nutcracker will cost $108. You’re allowed to grumble about it once.
25
Never turn down a Xanax.
26
A gas fireplace is still a fireplace.
27
Children are meant to be seen, and heard--and then sent to the playroom to watch Frozen on repeat.
28
An ornament in the hand is worth two on the highest shelf in the attic.
29
Thou shalt speak no ill of Carson Daly. He’s only doing his best.
30
It’s ok to leave the tree up ’til March. Ho, ho, ho.
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