8 Ways to Raise Siblings Who Love Each Other, According to a Clinical Psychologist

When parents handle conflict and anger with each other in a healthy, respectful way, they are modeling how their kids should face off. If you slam doors, hurl insults or, um, actual household items, it’s a safe bet they’ll mimic you the next time someone pushes their buttons. Dr. Mazer confirms that it’s very important to “teach emotion regulation and conflict resolution skills through modeling.” So if you and your partner are arguing in front of your children, that’s OK—just so long as they also see the loving resolution.

Unless your kids’ fights are about to enter the realm of bloodshed or bullying, or they’re stuck in a pattern where an older child seems to always dominate a younger one, give them a minute before you get involved. Per Dr. Mazer, siblings’ fights are valuable opportunities for growth. Hair-trigger intervention only perpetuates their reliance on you as a referee. (Also, stepping in may mean taking sides—a surefire way to stir up sibling rivalry.)

Letting your kids work out minor issues without immediately intervening will help them in school, work and beyond, too. As Jeffrey Kluger, author of The Sibling Effect: What the Bonds Among Brothers and Sisters Reveal About Us, told NPR: “One of the most profound effects siblings have on you is that area of conflict resolution skills, that area of relationship formation and maintenance.” 

A growing number of psychologists and educators swears by a conflict resolution method called Restorative Circles. You step in at the start of a fight and ask your kids to take a deep breath and sit down with you calmly in a circle. (Obviously, for screaming banshee fights, separation and soothing come first.) For just a few minutes, each child gets a chance to speak their grievance (You ask: “What do you want your brother to know?”), and the other child(ren) is asked to interpret what they’ve just heard (“What did you hear your sister saying?”). Then you go back to the first child (“Is that what you meant?”) until a mutual understanding is reached and all kids feel heard. Then everyone brainstorms ideas to find an agreeable solution.

Dr. Mazer agrees that, in addition to modeling, structured intervention of this sort can be beneficial for siblings. This strategy promotes equity and avoids the pitfalls that come from being the sole arbiter of justice—one who always makes the wrong call in somebody’s eyes. Still, not all parents have the bandwidth and resources to step in and play mediator every ten minutes, so feel free to use this method if/when it makes sense and seems necessary. When it comes to mediating vs. letting them fight it out, it’s OK to be flexible with your approach.

Even—especially—if your kids are like oil and water, or more than a few years apart, it can be tempting to let them lead separate lives. Try not to. Choose toys that appeal to all age groups (Marry us, Bristle Blocks!), group activities on weekends or family vacations, and require them to show up for each other’s games or recitals. In fact, Dr. Mazer strongly emphasizes the value of “cooperative activities that require teamwork, fostering mutual reliance and shared goals,” as this will provide siblings with some incentive to navigate disagreements in a constructive manner, and without excessive parental involvement.

By doing this, you will “support both shared identity and individual uniqueness to reduce rivalry and build mutual appreciation,” says Dr. Mazer, adding that it’s also essential to “establish clear family norms around fairness and inclusion, as perceived equity significantly impacts sibling warmth.” In terms of how to actually go about this, the expert recommends that parents “create meaningful sibling rituals, whether daily routines or special traditions, that strengthen emotional connections and provide a sense of relational security over time.” (For what it’s worth, my family has had great success, and a lot of fun, playing one nightly round of Lorcana—a Disney-themed card game that can be adapted for collaborative play, such that my two kids play their own hand whilst strategizing together to defeat me, the villain.)

“Affection isn’t just warm, it’s deeply beneficial,” explains Dr. Mazer, adding that “when siblings exchange genuine expressions of care, even a simple, ‘I’m glad you’re here with me,’ it communicates a feeling of safety and belonging. This kind of emotional openness fosters resilience and mutual support.” There’s research to support this, too: It’s called the affection exchange theory, and it shows that affectionate communication supports relational well-being and stress reduction.

Dr. Mazer also emphasizes that “children are attuned to equity, so when one feels singled out or overburdened, resentment can grow.” For this reason, she recommends encouraging siblings to reflect on how they can each contribute fairly—whether it’s chores, planning play or sharing tasks. “This helps them practice justice and mutual respect,” she says. Indeed, research grounded in equity theory highlights that efforts to restore balance in perceived fairness reduce conflict in family systems.

Ever notice how each person in a household, kids included, tend to take on certain roles or personas? There’s a “family systems theory, which suggests that roles and mutual influence shape how siblings relate and grow emotionally together,” Dr. Mazer explains. Up to this point, there’s been a lot of focus on all things cooperative…but that doesn’t mean that there isn’t room for individuality in a healthy family system. In fact, “when you notice and support what makes each child stand out, like being the peacemaker, the protector or the risk-taker, it lowers the need to compete,” Dr. Mazer says. The end result? Instead of fighting for attention, they start to rely on each other.

After losing my mother at a young age, my three older sisters became critical sources of emotional support for me, but it doesn’t take significant loss to benefit from that kind of sibling love. (In fact, I always joke to my kids that if they didn’t have each other, who else could they freely complain about me to?) Dr. Mazer confirms: “Sibling bonds can be powerful emotional resources. Helping children see each other as allies instead of rivals opens the door to empathy, emotional understanding and self regulation. Sibling relationships that function as emotional scaffolds support better wellbeing and help kids learn to navigate their emotions together.” You don’t need to take my tack, necessarily, but encouraging your kids to lean on each other in times of need will definitely do wonders for their bond.

So is there anything wrong with just, you know, letting them go their own way? As a parent, you can’t control everything, you can only create the right conditions for the optimal outcome…and sibling bonding is the optimal outcome. According to the expert, “a strong sibling bond is linked to numerous evidence-based psychological and developmental benefits. Research shows that children with warm sibling relationships tend to develop stronger emotional regulation and coping skills, particularly in the face of family stress. These bonds also enhance social competence by promoting empathy, cooperation, and perspective-taking, which generalize to peer relationships.”  Moreover, Dr. Mazer tells me that strong sibling ties are associated with lower rates of depression, anxiety and behavioral problems, especially during adolescence and in the context of adversity. Oh, and one more thing: “in adulthood, sibling closeness provides a lasting source of emotional and practical support during major life transitions.”

The takeaway? Sibling relationships are unique in that they can mirror peer relationships, but with all the closeness, loyalty and honesty that comes from family. That’s a bond you can’t find anywhere else, and it’s one worth nurturing.