30 Rules for Spreading

1

Any present placed under the tree shall be sized up, shaken and discerned for its similarity to an Apple Watch no fewer than three times per day.

2

A shot of hooch makes any drink better. (Even OJ.)

3

If a houseguest turns off the 24-hour Christmas Story TBS marathon, she shall be shamed until December 27th, at the earliest.

4

Thou shalt not disparage thy brother-in-lawís start-up.

5

Donít fill up on chestnuts. Seriously, donít fill up on chestnuts.

6

Thou shalt not mock thy sisterís snowflake earrings.

7

Donít ask Aunt Gladys if her latkes are gluten-free.

8

You shall pass no judgment on holiday cards postmarked January 3rd.

9

Stop trying to make that dreidel party happen.

10

Humming the Home Alone theme song counts as caroling.

11

Honor thy mother and her boxed mashed potatoes.

12

Thou shalt politely demur when asked, ďWhenís the wedding? Arenít you 34 this year?Ē

13

Itís within your rights to know every word of Love Actually.

14

Never be the asshat doing work on Christmas morning.

15

You have permission to regift the Tahitian Vanilla Yankee Candle.

16

Thereís no shame in re-wearing your 2014 New Yearís glasses.

17

Itís OK to look forward to the high school reunion at OíSheaís.

18

Itís OK to skip the high school reunion at OíSheaís.

19

Blessed be she who endures Cousin Thelmaís sixth story about cataract surgery.

20

On New Yearís Eve, you must swear on your grave that you stayed up past 9 p.m.

21

You must welcome the following at your table: one heavily pierced new boyfriend, two opinionated drunkards, three screaming infants with ear infections.

22

Itís OK to do the second, third and fourth nights of Hanukkah all at one time.

23

Things that just donít matter: matching guest towels, making your own crust, knowing who did and didnít go to Mass.

24

Tickets to The Nutcracker will cost $108. Youíre allowed to grumble about it once.

25

Never turn down a Xanax.

26

A gas fireplace is still a fireplace.

27

Children are meant to be seen, and heard--and then sent to the playroom to watch Frozen on repeat.

28

An ornament in the hand is worth two on the highest shelf in the attic.

29

Thou shalt speak no ill of Carson Daly. Heís only doing his best.

30

Itís ok to leave the tree up ítil March. Ho, ho, ho.